A dark cloud of memories

Packing and moving and repacking and moving again. De-junking is the worst of it. A box with picture frames of our engagement, one box with a teacup from our wedding. One box contained a beautiful wedding scrapbook, just waiting to be used. On top of the scrapbook was a large bag, filled to capacity with the hundreds of cards we received. Yes, I kept every single one. It wasn't depressing to find them, but I did feel terribly guilty as I realized I had to throw them out. These friends gave of their time to attend our wedding and reception, and gave gifts, and money, and cards of wisdom and love. They invested in us! They believed in us (well some of them did)... and I believed too. I invested time, and money, and gifts, and my whole heart, and what I thought would be my eternity. I invested it in someone who didnt care. I know some of you who read this blog still love D, and I dont mean to offend... but really, he doesnt care. We could have worked it out, I went to counseling, I was willing to overlook some things, or work through them. You know what he said to me? He said he didnt want to waste his money there- that there were things he really had to buy first. A better camera, a new microphone, a new cellphone. All these things more important than our marriage. I know he didnt *really* think that.... but he just didn't get it! He had no idea how much we needed that counselling. he had no idea how hurt I would be when I found out about the lies. He had no idea how hurt I was already. But really, how do you just explain that all to someone in his situation? I tried- I really did. I would beg to talk with him- and he would sleep. I would make him beautiful meals and give beautiful gifts and try to make "talking" and "listening" seem enticing. No such luck. He knew what he was doing, He knew that I didn't know. He felt like I was being too motherly, like I was steering him so hard in one direction that he had to go the other. Maybe he thought that a real conversation would lead me to the truth. Maybe he really knew I would leave. But when I found out about the lies- I gave him another chance. And when i moved out, i still offered him chances. With his anger towards the church there was no resolving our more "normal" marital issues. Every time we talked he had to poke at my beliefs and hurt me to the core. He doesnt mean to hurt me, atleast I hope not, he means to change my mind. I wont be changed tho, I'm the kind of girl who knows who she is.

Yet, sometime... sometimes I feel like a failure. A failure because it didn't work, or maybe a failure because i was stupid enough to think it would work. We were engaged when the first signs of warning had shown their nasty heads. I could have listened to my parents, and my uncle... I could have waited. This could have been avoided. That is why I have to blame myself. sure, D caused the majority of the marital problems, but hey I chose to marry him! I thought that when you are in a serious relationship- when you truly love someone- that you just work through the problems. I didnt realise that, tho I loved him very much, we werent married... and these problems were serving as a warning to NOT move ahead!

And because this was my fault, I feel like I stole these gifts as I unpack them. I wish I could send them back. If I had just called off the engagement - yes just called it off- then I could have resent the gifts that came. I could have thrown out cards. Well, I still did throw them out, maybe I could have sent them back too. There is really nothing I can do with them now- I kept a couple of the really cute ones to cut up and scrapbook with because I really felt too guilty to throw them ALL out! I kept the scrapbook too. It was from my best friend- and it is seriously the cutest thing youve ever seen- so cute i'd post a picture if things were... you know... different.
And things around the house change, and remind me of the changes in life. The beautiful wedding photos above the piano. My Parents, my sisters, my brother... and mine just magically disappeared one day.  pretty good magic eh? I would look at it and think about taking it down... but I didn't. Its absence is as powerful a reminder as its presence. One day that will change tho. Pictures are missing in other places too... but some things remain. Things like the prayers of my littlest brother... "thank you for tress and plants and animals and my family and pleas bless D to find his testimony...", what a believer. I stopped praying for that about 6 months ago. I guess someone has to believe in him still. Ive lost all hope of that, and really I had to... otherwise I would never be able to move on.
And now I sound depressed. And some of you will wonder if I am really ready to move on. Well, I think I am. Ive gone through a hard break up before you know. Sure marriage is different, but I feel I loved that person the same way I loved D. I was lucky that time tho... He left for his mission shortly after, and we had time and space. D and I have this wonderful baby to share for the rest of our lives. oh dear. the rest of our lives. Am I really going to be stuck with him? His anger will probably recede after a couple years, and our conversations wont be as strained. After we get into a better routine with Nod, and after the courts decide what is what... then perhaps it will be normal. The new normal. And one day, some incredibly attractive, strong, handsome, athletic, spiritual, intellectual man (with an awesome truck) will be okay with my kind of normal. *heh*

Im sorry you may have been rained on by the dark cloud of my ramblings... haha... next post will have some sunshine