Oh the joys

The woooorst part about being a single mom is getting sick! I went to bed at 8:30 last night, feeling nasueas. Woke up at 11, sick until 1, woke up at 3, sick until 5, and woke up at 9am by little Nod (of course whenever I got up to be sick she woke up too). During these "wakeups" I was only partially congant, and totally illogical. I thought I was so sick that I was going to die (a bit dramatic, well yes haha). I was super worried that I have no emergency plan, I mean, what if I die alone in my apartment? How long will it take someone to find me? Will Nod be okay until then? Will I have time to dial 911? If I need help should I call my hometeachers, my family, or my best friend Kingsley? It was about 5am, lying in the tub trying to keep my food in my stomach, when I finally decided that I would call Faws (a single dad/ friend of mine) to come save me from dying. I finally was able to go back to sleep comforted.This morning all of my plans for the day were thrown out the window. I focused on keeping Nod happy, and fed, and rested while keeping my tummy settled. It sucked. Seriously, it was a bad day...

UNTIL... My Mommy came to the rescue! Mommy and sister Ray cleaned up my dirty kleenex mess, took Nod out while I showered, and replenished the fridge with Nod milk.

Anyways, Ive complained enough. The moral of the story? Well, youd never guess, but Im gratful. At about 11pm last night I wished I had stayed with D. I decided that I couldnt do it, I couldnt be single... but I had no other option. If I had called he would have driven here Im sure, but 4 hours later (once he was here) I might regret that. So I prayed and prayed and cried and puked... and 24 hours later, guess what? Im alive! Im happy! I can do it! I can do anything!

XO
Wink

Faulty Anology

Faulty Analogy

Last February I broke my arm
A good crisp break,
So sudden and unexpected.

But then who expects their arm to break?
Did I think people just schedule these things?
February 6, 2010. 5:30 pm:
Going to break my arm on the way to Ami's baby shower: check.

Ouch.

So I went to my mother-in-law,
Who was no help, as usual.
Offering plenty of alternatives, natural healing,
A bunch of crock.

So I told my sister,
Who told my mother,
Who told my father,
Who told me to go to the Doctor.
And we all went to the Doctor.
The Doctor put a cast on
And told me to go home,

A long drive home,
Dark car, with a screaming child
So hazy now, the memories I repress.

Every day there was hurt and the cast did not heal.
The Doctor had known it wouldn't,
But also knew I had to see the proof 

before I would believe him.
I had to see with my own eyes that a cast was not enough
The break was bad.
An infection had been festering.
The arm must be removed.
Maybe I had known all along, and maybe I didn't.
I'll never say.

And we slowly began the process.
All the while I pretended it wasn't going to happen
I begged the Doctor for alternatives
But I knew those alternatives were crock
And He did His best to heal me,
He told me there would be a new arm, a better arm
It's the 21st century, anything can happen

And at first I believed.
He had a logical explanation, after all
So maybe I never believed.
Maybe it just made sense.
Now as I try to type without my arm,
It doesn't seem very sensible.
Where is my new arm?

Oh a healing period? Oh a waiting period?
Yes I knew about that.
No I don't want to wait anymore.
No I don't want to heal the long, difficult, efficient way.
I just want a better arm.
Don't I deserve a better arm?
Isn't He The Doctor? Cant He do anything?

So I made a mistake,
And here comes the flaw in my analogy
My story has no place for you.
Not yet really.

But I stole your arms anyways.
I began to lean on you.
I used your arms to screw in light bulbs,
To take out the trash, to move the couch, to hold the baby.
I used them for warmth, for healing.

My new arms.
Not deserved. Just stolen.
Maybe one day, but not today.

And when you are here I barley notice my arm is missing.
And tonight you are not,
And the pain returns
Only worse.
The wait seems so much longer
The weight seems so much heavier,
The hurt deepens, blackens.

Where are you tonight?
Asleep?
Resting your weary arms.
For you don't know it,
But like Atlas you carry the weight of the world.
The weight of my world at least.

The time has come, the Walrus said, to talk of many things...

Today is a blogging day. I need an outlet for all of these pent up ideas and emotions.
BLIGARDGAHAPATITISHNESS!
That's a word I just made up for when life is happy, and sad, and confusing, and hurtful,  and annoying, and frustrating, and peaceful. all at once.
\
Life is happy! School is almost done, I get to see my family a lot and we get along great. Today I gave Shmuck a big ol hug and really meant it. Im going to end up with okay marks for a single mom who is just learning the ropes. My house is clean, and a very attractive (righteous, talented, funny) young man helped me clean it (he was over for a missionary discussion). I had a great time with the missionaries today, I made an excellent meal, receieved many compliments, and enjoyed the lesson. Now, I almost dont feel like going on. I could stop here, and you would think things are just great. But, they arent.

Life is sad. Today was an emabarrsing and long day at church. For the tiny moment I was in RS all we talked about was marriage. I srsly almost burst into tears. I just wanted to march on over to D's house (yes a 5 hr drive. Im sure would have changed my mind after 5 minutes of marching) and punch him in the face. Why did you leave me? I mean, technically I moved out, but YOU left mister! You blew up the life I knew and completley altered it! We could have worked through it!! Really! Even though I was counselled by some that I shouldnt try, and they may have been right, if he could only have given up just one thing, I would have stuck with the rest. I gave and gave and gave, I loved and loved, I changed, I moved, I grew... and he sat stagnant like a pool of water until I left. Once I moved out the changes came with ease, but they were not the type that would keep me around. I knew, KNEW, it was over. It. Our marriage. My life as I knew it. I miss that life. I dont miss that life. I love him. I hate him. I want it back. I dont want it back.

Oh wait, Ive skipped ahead to the confusing part of life. Well, that is not all that is confusing. I mean, all in all, I really don't want THAT back, I just want the companion. The best friend. I miss the man I fell in love with. The man who washed all the laundry because I was scared of the spiders in out Laundry room. The man who massaged my tummy when I had cramps. The man who cut the chicken cause I hate touching raw meat. basically, the man who made life easy. Yet he also made it hard. Now Ive just made a big swap. Some things are easy now. I love myself more, I'm not scared of being betrayed, I know where I stand and choose to stand with those who are on the same page... I know where my future is ultimately headed. And I'm learning from the new hard things. I cut all the chkn tonight, even tho there was a perfectly capable man I could have asked to do it. I kill my own spiders, tho Ive chosen to live somewhere with less bug problems at all... and I take red raspberry tea when my cramps get bad. I cope. I get along.Oh but I digress, that's not why life is confusing. Well, lets just say, I'm sufficiently confused about what to do in the new year. Everyone has pitched in advice, and I thought I agreed with the majority vote. But now, I'm not acting like that. I'm confused because I'm surprised by my choices. Not in a bad way. just in a, "well what now?" way.

well I think Ive covered the hurtful,  and annoying, and frustrating, portions of life already.

As for peaceful? Well the spirit is here. It is calming me. I find love and the Lord in hidden corners all around. I fold them up and carry them in a pocket in my heart. Sweet peace amidst the rest.

Of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of cabbages and kings... of why the sea is boiling hot and whether pigs have wings.

Lessons from Alma 1

I was reading The story of Nehor and Gideon in Alma today. Nehor is an evil man who tries to bring down the church, and when Gideon withstands him with his words of truth Nehor gets mad and kills him. According to the law set from King Mosiah and the people, Nehor must be put to death in public. Before he dies he admits to his wrong-doings, but there are still those who follow his wicked ways after he dies. These people persecute members of the church of God.

There was a rule in the church that no member could persecute those that did not beleive, but still some chose to fight their adversaries with words and with fists. However, those who did eventually left the church, their names were blotted out, and some willingly withdrew their membership.

Does this story sound familiar to anyone? It sure does to me. I was reminded of My Uncle P and how he left the church, but could not leave it alone. He continues to tear down anyone who beleives. At first I just felt sorry for him and tried to be his friend, but eventually he refused to be mine. I dont understand how he could possibly be correct, if his beleif leads him to be so unkind to someone who was once a best friend :(
. It also led him to befriend D, who he previously hated. Then my other Uncle N chose to leave the church too and become friends with D. During the three years D and I were together N never met or spoke to D, but he had dinner with him a few week ago. Anyone find that odd? And of course there are my brothers-in-law. <3Good hearts<3, but they too have left. One of them is very kind and I never feel like he is disrespectful of what I beleive, the other not so much. Their story reminds me the most of this scripture, as it was when C tried to contend with Du about the church that he lost his testimony also. The same thing happened with D's good friend DP who was always 'bible bashing' and eventually fell away.

So what am I getting at here? well a few things, and I havent made them clear at all so let me do that.

First of all, Everyone is inherintly good. We are all children of God and born into this world good. We then choose to become more or less good. Just because someone does not beleive in God, or even because they choose to fight against the church if God, does not make them evil. In my humble view they are confused, but for the most part they are trying to do the best with what they understand. My broinlaw Du and his wife K are probably the sweetest people ever. So just because you hear that someone left, dont go around assuming they are terrible, cause very likely they aren't. Obama talks about this kind of thing in his book. We need to eliminate the idea that we are so different from those who have different beleifs, cause that just creates these unneeded hard feelings and then we cannot come to proper agreements.

Second thought... Fighting against those that hate the church of God will not bring any good. We are supposed to be the peaceable followers of Christ. If you let yourself contend you are allowing pride to enter your heart and putting your testimony at risk. There are people out there whom belong to the church and can answer any doctrinal questions you have, but dont bring this material into combat with those who dont beleive. Let the truth strengthen you, and when they are ready to hear the truth then share with love, not anger.

Third thought...

The church is true. I know it. I cannot deny it. Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier to deny it, to be with D still... but I would have to pretend. I would have to lie to myself, and maybe I could do it for a little while, I probably could have stopped going to church, but I couldnt be like D and persecute those who beleived, because it just plain old is true. Also it would have not made our marriage any better, cause he still would have his problems, and wether the church is true or not I cannot live with some certain things. This verse really touched me in my reading...

Alma 1:25 Now this was a great trial to those that did stand fast in the faith; nevertheless, they were ^asteadfast^bpatience the persecution which was heaped upon them. and immovable in keeping the commandments of God, and they bore with ^bpatience the persecution which was heaped upon them.


I need to be like these people.  I have not being bearing these trials with patience, I mean, I began that way. All the time ppl would say to me, "Oh youve been through so much, nobody would blame you if..." followed by something, well, weak. I would say to myself that my trial was no excuse. However lately I havent been doing as well. Ive been complaining about being a single mom/student etc etc etc. I have been pushing this divorce and getting sick of being married. I have been incredibly impatient. I was listening to a general conference talk the other day and it hit me that I was not only being patient, but I was also being proud. I decided that it didnt matter what the best thing or right thing was, I was doing this my way. How lame is that? Like my plan is better than the Lords! I still am married. I may still be for a while, and my plan to date may not be the Lords plan, and I better follow the Lords plan. I better! I need to stay close to him, and let him be involved in every decision that I make. EVERY choice. He will guide me. I need to bear with patince these heaping afflictions. No one is saying they arent hard, of course they are, but they will make me strong if I let them bring me to the Lord instead of just complain about them.  

26And when the priests left their ^alabor to impart the word of God unto the people, the people also left their labors to hear the word of God. And when the priest had imparted unto them the word of God they all returned again diligently unto their labors; and the priest, not esteeming himself above his hearers, for the preacher was no better than the hearer, neither was the teacher any better than the learner; and thus they were all equal, and they did all labor, every man ^baccording to his strength.


Diligence. This word has stuck out to me a lot over the years. I need to be diligent in sharing the gospel, in obeying the commandments, in my school work, in my family... I am working on it. I really really really am. For instance, today, I am ending this post here, and going to diligently study for a polisci exam. So, I dont know if you learned anything from this post, but I did, and I wanted to record it, so I can look back one day and remember to ...
A) LOVE everyone B)Peacefully share truth C) Be Patient with afflictions D)Be Dilligent

XO
Wink ;)

Christmas is coming the Goose is getting FAT!

Hey blog world!

I cannot tell you how incredibly excited I am for christmas!

This is what Christmas means for me...

No more School!!!!!!!!!!!!
Quality time with Nod
LOTS of cute Crafts
Giving gifts
Thinking of the Savior
Almost my BIRTHDAY
Almost divorced (Jan 1st. Im calling this official)
Some real blogging time!
Time with my family from southern alberta whom I MISS MISS MISS!

So, stay tuned for some christmas crafts, birthday plans, and maybe even my first date! EEEK (ps feeling like a 16 yr old about this! haha) ;)

Love to all

Wink

A poem I wrote during an English Lecture

YOU’RE NOT ALONE

says Dr M, and I break into Micheal Mclean* renditions
silently, but quite loud in my own mind
and of course it leads me to John Bytheway**
and now I’m rolling around with laughter.
only I’m not.
Im sitting
in a stale, almost silent, room,
the drone of my professor,
the hum of the computer,
bent over a warm keyboard, and a fake wooden desk
in a plastic green chair that bends 10 degrees backwards for comfort.
because a bendy plastic chair is luxury to a college student
But Im comfortable
on the inside,
in my funny little world,
as I laugh with the Asha*** in my head.
And sing out loud to her
As he corrects comma splices
and gets excited about modifiers
but Im just glad
that Im not alone.


*Michael Mclean is an LDS singer/song writer.
**John Bytheway is an LDS comedian/ motivational speaker, He sings McLeans song as "Shes on the phone" and for some dang reason I cannot find a link for you... but its oh so funny!
***name changed due to privacy issues,it sounds better with the real name

Oh man. I went to the courthouse today with D... Go to see the evil Malevolence, who was actually on fairly good behaviour... she helped me finish up *all* the papers... 3.5 hours later, and one very grumpy baby (D insisted we bring her with us rather than leave her at the daycare) we went to Queens bench to file...

AND

They said NO. Turns out we cant file until D takes the PAS course. Oh my freaking word! Luckily he agreed to take the course here on Saturday (cause where he lives they dont offer it until Dec 11th)... so we can go in to file on Monday... I HOPE!

And right now what am I doing? Listening to D gab to some unnamed 'friend' (probably her cause he wont name them) about the church... He didnt mention the church by name, cause he knows I would kick him out... but the topic is still obvious.

Now anger is burning up inside me. Burning. a hot, livid, fire.

ARGH!

You know, I always wanted to get a divorce. I just thought it would be the coolest thing ever! you know, cause I want to be a lawyer, and my desire to be a lawyer has given me this inherent ability to know exactly how to fill out legal papers...

YEAH FREAKING RIGHT!!!!!

A month or so ago I first met Malevolence. She is the devil woman at the courthouse here in town. She told me it was her job to help me fill out the divorce papers properly. She is a family law counsellor. 

When I started working on the papers with her, she criticized me for not knowing what I was doing. She was constantly ticked at every mistake I made, like when I wrote my name instead of Plaintiff, or when I stapled a backer as a title page. She was so irritated that I had never filled out a divorce affidavit before! It made me wonder if most people coming in for help are on their 3rd or 4th, cause Lady Malevolence, Im just a rookie. I dont want a divorce! Well, I do now, but I sure as heck didnt!! I thought D and I were going to be together FOREVER, and NO, I did NOT sign a prenump!

The last time with Malevolence, she only perked up and smiled when she saw how much D was paying for support.. She noticed how incredibly insufficient it was, and freaked out, saying he was hiding money some how. D is not hiding money. Sure, he is poor, sure he *should* be able to make more, she is right there. But he isnt. He just doesnt work much. She wouldnt believe me!! She was certain I could get more out of him and wanted me to fight him on it! I was like, Lady, I just want my divorce! Give me a freaking divorce! I dont want to take more time fighting for money that likely doesnt exist. I dont want a judge to take 6 months deciding whether he should be forced to pay more because he has the capacity to work more. Seriously. I just want to be a single woman, go on a date, and not have to call him my husband! 

PLEASE!

THEN I made the mistake of telling her I want to be a lawyer. Oh NO. Now she was really ticked at my mistakes. Always saying, come on, if you want to be a lawyer you should know this stuff! COME ON LADY, Im in my second year of my undergrad, Ive never taken a law class! Leave it alone!

Then? She bugged me about wanting a quick divorce, told me to just start dating, kinda like "screw your religion"... UM no thanks! AND? She made some mistakes that took more of my precious time when the other lady had to fix them! UGH!

AND TODAY!? Oh the icing on the cake! She didnt like the forms I was using (which I spent over $60 buying)... she tells me the forms are found ONLINE(free)!!!!!! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnd that if she ever sees me with forms like these again she is going to HIT ME OVER THE HEAD WITH A BASEBALL BAT!!  Sound like a nice lady to you? Nope, me either! 

And I have to see her again Monday... so... I found out what her favorite coffee is, Mcdonalds large with 2 creams... I'll be bringing one, and maybe a helmet, just in case.

What I learned from 1.5 years of screwing up at school

I just remembered why I failed at schol last time.

a.) I never went to class
b.) If I made it to class, I didn't pay attention
c.) If I paid attention and knew what was going on, I didnt do it because I was busy socializing or facebooking
d.) When I got around to doing my work I didnt have the skills to do it really great


and you know what Ive learned in the past 2 years? What am I doing now that I didnt then?

I go to EVERY class.
I also read my scriptures hoping this will help me with school.

Other than that, same old same old.

Oh, and by the way. Ive read my scriptures every morning this week... mon-thursday :) Go ME!

Progress?

My scripture study plan isnt going as well as Id like. Im still reading everyday, but not 20 mins and not in the morning. Ive been letting things like homework, an social life, and vanity get in the way. Friday I got up early but wrote an essay instead of doing my study, then saturday I slept in cause I had been up late on the phone, Sunday I slept in cause I had been up late watching movies with friends, Monday (today) I spent my morning getting pretty and getting Nod prepared for our new child care.
This weekend, amidst all my procrastinating, I learned that I need to prioritize better. I had kind of decided that school was the most important part of my life, I was putting off my mommy duties and my church duties in order to write papers and study. Yes, school is very important, but my relationships with The Lord, and my daughter, should be more important.
SO? Ive got Nod into a dayhome. I think this will be a very positive change for her. She will love having other kids to play with, and I will have the afternoons to study, and then I will spend the evenings with Nod, and focus on her more than I have been.
Im going to keep working at the scripture study thing, I know it will help me immensly if I can get the routine down. I'll keep you updated.


PS for those of you who've asked, Yes Leo and I are still in contact. Ive met some other guys at Institute and such, but nobody measures up to him yet... *sigh*
My divorce should be finalized by DEC 1st... tho I know I give new dates all the time... haha

XOX

Oh My! 

I feel like Im going to vomit.

Being a student is hard enough, without having a teething baby, divorce papers, social life, service, transfer applications, finding a dayhome, and more to worry about!

I feel like Im going to die. Or maybe just fail. Neither seem like a very positive option.

I called my Mommy and cried for a while today. I said that I wanted a husband, someone to share my responsibilities with, someone to motivate me, love me, lift me up. She said that a husband could not be my Savior. It is HIM I need to learn to rely on. I cannot do it on my own, I need to accept that and ask for the Lords help.

Well, I have already accepted that I cannot do it, now I just need to ask for the help. Im going to dedicate 20 mins in the morning to scripture study, journal writing... and once a week (Sunday?) I will write about how this study affected my week. This is my plan for change in my life, and I will keep you updated on how relying on the Lord in this way affects my schooling, and other areas of my life.

If I hadnt talked with my mom, this post would be way more depressing. 

Thanks Mommy.

Oh and if you are wondering what motivated this burst of fear... well... It was the PoliSci Quiz. I only got 78%, a B. I NEEEEED an A. That B, along with the stress of a looming history paper, polisci book report, english essay etc etc etc. The work is enjoyable, but never-ending!!!!

Someone hand me a gun. Oh wait, I mean a pen and paper... oh WAIT, I mean, the Scriptures... yes, that is the bext place to start.

LOL

Vat iz Diss? un response?

My crazy profile has now had over 120 views, and out of the 17 messages Ive received, only ONE was a worthy reply to my bedazzling profile

...
and I just *have* to share this with you.

"Albeit it was a pile of lies comparing in height to the Himalayas, the first part of your greeting was rather enjoyable to read. I would be concerned, however, were my pancreas to suddenly wax verbose as it would be something of a trick to quiet it down (not knowing quite how it would inherit vocal capabilities in the first place).

Do you suppose that adding the contents of the toilet bowl (which hopefully would be water in the critical moment) to the two week water storage supply might have advantageous effects in the teeth whitening arena?

Anyways, I'm over 30, both my spleen and pancreas are mute as far as I know (unless they are the strong silent type), and if you were to barrage me with compliments 1,117 times a day that averages out to about 1 encouraging word every minute and 30 seconds which would make it very difficult to get anything done, might "encourage" me to jump off of a very tall building, and would be all in all quite wearisome, besides this is a crazy-long run on sentence probably bereft of proper grammar and punctuation, how could you possibly live with this barbaric use of the English language?

I just figured a greeting worthy of an enjoyable read ought to solicit an interesting message every now and then, but lets face it, I hate having fun, and am looking for a total loser with 0 direction in their life and a mustache.

the end"

*that was from Leonardo Michealangelo (Leo from now on)*

Online Profile

For those of you who didnt read this on facebook, Id like to share a good laugh... srsly, go to the bathroom *before* reading... we dont need to have any accidents! haha... its *that* funny!!

I cannot take credit for the hillarity and whit you will soon be enjoying... nope...  this, my friends, is the handy work of the talented Asha (or so she shall be called for the purposes of my blog)... Though I will take credit for some small portion of it ;)

Did you go to the bathroom?
Are you sitting down?
Are you ready for a good ab work out?
Then you've come to the right place...
Read on...

I am a Gold-medal winning gymnast with a neanderthal heritage and a fantastic upper hand punch. I drink vinegar to make me saucy and eat flowers for breakfast. My best friends are Care Bears, especially Sir Care-a-Lot because he cares a lot. And I like that. I am extremely righteous in all the best ways and very fun-loving in all the best ways. Which makes me like every other girl on here who all "loooove fun!" And isn't that a relief when you were concerned that we might hate fun? Nope. No fun hating here. Love it. But righteously, of course.
Also, it's apparently popular to love the outdoors, so I love that, too.
I have the body of a goddess, or-- what did I say? Oh, yes. An Olympic gymnast. Right. That. I cook like Nigella Lawson and she may think she can lick a spoon but nothing like me. I can lick a spoon. I run faster than rain and can give a massage so well that your pancreas will squeak, "Thank you, Nigella!" to which I'll say back, "I'm better than Nigella, remember?" Unless you've had your pancreas removed, in which case I'll hope that your spleen speaks English, too. Most spleens do but some only speak Icelandic and, like, who speaks Icelandic? I can't be bothered what with my Latin and Turkish studies that keep me busy. But not too busy to take care of you. Yes, back to You... Brad/Mike/Mark/Bobby/Derek/Bryan/Jer emy/Tyler? I think you're amazing!!! Yes, just like on The Bachelorette and every other reality show ever to feature illiterate 20-somethings: You are AMAZING. And I will tell you 238 times a day. Because good men are hard to find and you need a good woman who will see your worth and tell it to you. 354 times a day. I will set up iPhone alerts to remind me in between all the vacuuming and scrubbing that toilet so clean that it can double as part of our two week water storage supply. No woman will keep your home cleaner, not even Fly Lady. No lady is flyer than me. Im fly for you honey, Dont forget, you're the best thing that ever happened to me, and I will remind you of that 525 times a day.
I'm looking for a baby daddy who is not too tall and not to short, not too skinny and not too chubby. He should speak more than one language (preferrably Icelandic so he can interpret his spleen for me) (unless he doesn't value his spleen enough to care, I do realise it's not most men's first favourite organ), have a PhD in something romantic, speak with a British accent, cook well, be absolutely hilarious and witty (and brilliant enough to know that those words don't mean the same thing) (which you'd think he would be if he has a PhD), and be able to fix anything. He should play several instruments, including the Lyre and the whiskers of a substantially large raccoon, and like many genres of music, especially of the raccoon variety. He should write poetry that makes Shakespeare cry out in envy all the way from the Spirit World, and be built like a Fifa World Cup football player. He should be able to carve fine chain link jewellery out of bamboo and should be able to knit me a cableknit sweater worthy of jaunts in Irish sheep-besotted countrysides.
That is all.

Sharing Secrets

I wrote this august 27th, its not that great, but I didnt want to lose it so I thought Id share it on my blog... maybe I'll do more writing now that Im in school... and hopefully it will get better.

Sharing the Kitchen

Cleaning comes easy to me now
a simple drop of soap
and a brush of my wrinkled hand
a fork, a knife
a white corelle plate
a rinse under cool water
as clean as new life
as new

until i get to those old pans
rusting in a soapy mess
suds slowly wetting the grainy grime
everything sticks to them
blackening, burning
i dread pulling the plug
dare I enter that dirty world
i avoid looking, touching
they need a good scrub
those old pans you left
you should have kept them
you share too much

Who are You?

My English Prof asked us to write an autobiography paragraph... he said "who are you, that is they key question", but he didnt take it in for marks! I was bummed, cause I like mine... So Im posting it here... kinda boring, but I get a kick out of it

Who are you? That is the key question according to my English Professor, Dr. M, who had the idea for my autobiography paragraph. 3 words, simple enough language, but an idea that takes some people an entire lifetime to discover. As far as knowledge is concerned, I know a fair amount about my life, having lived it. I know I was born in Edmonton, 19**, to a large christian family in the dead of winter. I soent 16 years "growing up", as they say, in a small town. Learning in those years to talk, walk, read, write, grow, stop writing, refuse to read, walk away, talk back, and then grow again. I know I moved on to University, got married, got pregnant, got separated, and moved back home. Amognst all these experiences, who am I really? Who have I become? Who have I always been? One thing remains constant; I am a daughter of God. That is what I have always been. I am a mother, a student, and a friend. That is what I have beome. Other than that I am a work in progress. Constantly changing, adapting, growing, shrinking, gaining, losing. I am just as you are. I am me.

xo

Hello Blog-Following World.
Life is pretty much busy busy busy for us now. I have a little video work, a lot of school work, and an almost toddler to take care of. Nod is up and down and always trying harder everyday to figure out how to make those legs work to her advantage! Her favorite thing to do is get dressed up. She digs all the beaded necklaces out of her toy box and puts them on herself, then takes them off, and puts them back on again. She takes off her socks, and trys like heck to get them back on... and she really likes to take out my earrings and put them on her head... haha. Im loving watching her grow.
Still, I can't help but wonder what it would be like to do the stay-at-home mom thing. To be with her all day, playing with her, making all the meals and cleaning the house and giving the baths. I dont really feel like im her primary caretaker. Miss(the sitter) seems to be the mommy lately. She bathes her and reads to her and teaches her that "bears say grrr". I come home from class, give her some love and put her down for a nap so I can study. We spend a couple hours together  after her nap cleaning and doing errands and playing a bit... then back to bed for her, and more work for me. Although I didnt plan my pregnancy with Nod, I was planning on being pregnant a couple months later, so I was planning things out for the mom job. I wanted kids so that I could be a mom, and now I feel like Im totally missing out on Nods life.
Im also a little sad to see everyone starting to get pregnant, or to talk about getting pregnant. Most of my friends with kids Nod's age are getting pregnant, or atleast have a plan for baby #2. I however "do not want another baby and I am perfectly happy not going through labour again" (probably a direct quote during these types of conversations).
 Yeah, uh huh... thats right. I dont want kids, mmmhmm... I'll just keep saying that and hoping I start to beleive it.
 If I *were* happily married though... hmm... maybe I would want to start talking about it. You know, cause she is almost one, so I could get pregnant in three months and Nod would be two when the baby came... or I could get pregnant in the spring (and avoid the third trimester being in the summer) and have #2 when Nod is a little older than 2... yeah, that would be nice.
If I were happily married that is. Married, yes... Happily, no. Divorce will be had before November for sure. Yeah, so I DONT want a baby, in case you were wondering. I don't remember exactly what labour was like, but i do remember telling myself to never do it again. Although, that was partially because I thought I'd be married to Dan forever and I knew that with our religion diffferences we shouldnt have any more children. Partially though it was from the pain... so I should just try to remember the pain. focus on it, cling to it... and maybe that will cure the baby fever that I dont have. *haha*
And, well, because Im not happily married I just have to wait. It would be stupid to tell Dan we should stay together despite our differences. It would be dumb to get pregnany again and *then* realise we should be divorced... being a single mom of two would be wicked hard.
I can wait until she is three, or four, or five... What?! 5! I do not want to wait that long! ARGH! ok, well, maybe I'll find a nice guy before she is two, be married before she is three... then maybe she wont be 5 before #2 comes... maybe.
Plus I have law school to think about... I want that right? To be educated... yes... so I should focus on that too. The pain of labour and the excitment of an education. hmph. I am going to b the worst date ever. the poor guy will be thinking "oh she has a nice face, and she is smart and maybe I should take her out again" and I'll be thinking "ok he's attractive and righteous and LETS GET MARRIED AND HAVE A BABY" haha... well i hope im not *that* bad. Maybe I should direct said future guy to my blog so he knows what he is gettin himself into by dating me. Or maybe not. haha
well, thats the end of that. I dont want a baby, I dont want to date (oh except that I *really really* do)... and Im not going to call up D and ask for him to stay with me.... no no no no no no no.
Goodbye World

Oh the Dictionary!

Has anyone ever played balderdash? I love that game... you come up with random definitions for wacky words, and then you get to hear the real definition. Well, I read the word "Empirical" in my Poli Sci text book... I have used and read this word before, but not in the context I was now reading it. So I looked it up ion the Oxford English Dictionary (online too ^_^ isnt that cool?) anyways... this was one definition I found... Im going to keep it in mind for my next game of Balderdash... Bwahahaha!

2. That practises physic or surgery without scientific knowledge; that is guilty of quackery. Also of medicines: That is of the nature of a quack nostrum. Cf. EMPIRIC B. 2.


and thats all folks... just wanted you to know what the nature of a quack nostrum is... ^_^

Also... a little Sunshine :D

Wow, I really should have updated my blog a while ago... my last post was so depressing! Life is just so amazing right now! Im so grateful for all the challenges and dissapointments that came this year, cause Im really growing up so much. So, where to start? Well I fell in love with my textbooks... yup... in serious love. I was without internet and a phone and such for a week, so I opened up an english text and fell truley, madly, deeply. I went to bed every night with Elizabeth Barret Browning and Lord Alfred Tennyson swirling in my head!That really got me excited for school... new textbooks and classes! So exciting!
Also, well, I moved out of my parents place! It feels so good to be independant, to always have a clean house, and especially to feel like I have a place to call home. I felt like such a squatter at my parents house... and I just looove being able to go back to my own adorable place. ADORABLE. Its a quaint little two-bedroom apartment that has quite a fair amount of room, and makes me just so happy. Nice shower, great kitchen, good sized rooms. I just love it here :D
Also also... I have a babysitter. I never knew life could be.so.amazing!! Nod loves Miss, she goes to her without objection, and Miss PUTS HER TO SLEEP FOR ME!!! Gah! As a single mom, who has never really experienced this before, I was elated the first time Miss got Nod to bed. Nod is a handful at bed-time. I had been trying so hard to get her down one night, and Miss got there and took over. I washed dishes and made some food while Nod went down without a fuss. *best feeling ever*
 I cried a little, i did a dance, and I gave Miss about a million hugs! Oh, and all she took for payment? My car for an evening... Heck yes I can handle this... arent friends just great? Oh how I love her. I asked her to move in... we will see ;)
Also also also... Court stuff with D is actually worked out now!! He decided to go to mediation, we worked out what we wanted, and have a plan set for 3 years. I pretty much got most of what I wanted (other than the fact that its only for 3yrs) so Im really pumped about that! We went to court and got custody all legalised, so now we are just working on the divorce. I have a friend (who is a former lawyer) helping me fill out the papers this week, then I will serve him on the weekend (i Hope) and a court date will be set. The soonest we could be divorced would be Sept 31st, and of course the latest would be Feb 10th of next year.... But Im really hoping for sep! So, if youve read "the secret" and beleive in putting things out there for the universe to give you, or if your a person of faith who prays to God... please send some prayer our way. We are both praying and thinking positive thoughts for september hahaha
Also also also also... I met a minivan... I think... hahaha ;) of course, there isnt anything going on... just a friend who i keep learning more about. Im definatley liking everything I learn. I geuss meeting someone who isnt a total retard has made me excited about the prospect of dating. Sure I'd like to go on a date with this minivan, but its not even that, its that now i want to go on dates... many... because I feel this new hope that *he* is out there... somewhere.
Enough Also's for ya? Well, Im pretty happy at least... Hope you enjoyed the sunny day!

A dark cloud of memories

Packing and moving and repacking and moving again. De-junking is the worst of it. A box with picture frames of our engagement, one box with a teacup from our wedding. One box contained a beautiful wedding scrapbook, just waiting to be used. On top of the scrapbook was a large bag, filled to capacity with the hundreds of cards we received. Yes, I kept every single one. It wasn't depressing to find them, but I did feel terribly guilty as I realized I had to throw them out. These friends gave of their time to attend our wedding and reception, and gave gifts, and money, and cards of wisdom and love. They invested in us! They believed in us (well some of them did)... and I believed too. I invested time, and money, and gifts, and my whole heart, and what I thought would be my eternity. I invested it in someone who didnt care. I know some of you who read this blog still love D, and I dont mean to offend... but really, he doesnt care. We could have worked it out, I went to counseling, I was willing to overlook some things, or work through them. You know what he said to me? He said he didnt want to waste his money there- that there were things he really had to buy first. A better camera, a new microphone, a new cellphone. All these things more important than our marriage. I know he didnt *really* think that.... but he just didn't get it! He had no idea how much we needed that counselling. he had no idea how hurt I would be when I found out about the lies. He had no idea how hurt I was already. But really, how do you just explain that all to someone in his situation? I tried- I really did. I would beg to talk with him- and he would sleep. I would make him beautiful meals and give beautiful gifts and try to make "talking" and "listening" seem enticing. No such luck. He knew what he was doing, He knew that I didn't know. He felt like I was being too motherly, like I was steering him so hard in one direction that he had to go the other. Maybe he thought that a real conversation would lead me to the truth. Maybe he really knew I would leave. But when I found out about the lies- I gave him another chance. And when i moved out, i still offered him chances. With his anger towards the church there was no resolving our more "normal" marital issues. Every time we talked he had to poke at my beliefs and hurt me to the core. He doesnt mean to hurt me, atleast I hope not, he means to change my mind. I wont be changed tho, I'm the kind of girl who knows who she is.

Yet, sometime... sometimes I feel like a failure. A failure because it didn't work, or maybe a failure because i was stupid enough to think it would work. We were engaged when the first signs of warning had shown their nasty heads. I could have listened to my parents, and my uncle... I could have waited. This could have been avoided. That is why I have to blame myself. sure, D caused the majority of the marital problems, but hey I chose to marry him! I thought that when you are in a serious relationship- when you truly love someone- that you just work through the problems. I didnt realise that, tho I loved him very much, we werent married... and these problems were serving as a warning to NOT move ahead!

And because this was my fault, I feel like I stole these gifts as I unpack them. I wish I could send them back. If I had just called off the engagement - yes just called it off- then I could have resent the gifts that came. I could have thrown out cards. Well, I still did throw them out, maybe I could have sent them back too. There is really nothing I can do with them now- I kept a couple of the really cute ones to cut up and scrapbook with because I really felt too guilty to throw them ALL out! I kept the scrapbook too. It was from my best friend- and it is seriously the cutest thing youve ever seen- so cute i'd post a picture if things were... you know... different.
And things around the house change, and remind me of the changes in life. The beautiful wedding photos above the piano. My Parents, my sisters, my brother... and mine just magically disappeared one day.  pretty good magic eh? I would look at it and think about taking it down... but I didn't. Its absence is as powerful a reminder as its presence. One day that will change tho. Pictures are missing in other places too... but some things remain. Things like the prayers of my littlest brother... "thank you for tress and plants and animals and my family and pleas bless D to find his testimony...", what a believer. I stopped praying for that about 6 months ago. I guess someone has to believe in him still. Ive lost all hope of that, and really I had to... otherwise I would never be able to move on.
And now I sound depressed. And some of you will wonder if I am really ready to move on. Well, I think I am. Ive gone through a hard break up before you know. Sure marriage is different, but I feel I loved that person the same way I loved D. I was lucky that time tho... He left for his mission shortly after, and we had time and space. D and I have this wonderful baby to share for the rest of our lives. oh dear. the rest of our lives. Am I really going to be stuck with him? His anger will probably recede after a couple years, and our conversations wont be as strained. After we get into a better routine with Nod, and after the courts decide what is what... then perhaps it will be normal. The new normal. And one day, some incredibly attractive, strong, handsome, athletic, spiritual, intellectual man (with an awesome truck) will be okay with my kind of normal. *heh*

Im sorry you may have been rained on by the dark cloud of my ramblings... haha... next post will have some sunshine

Giveaway!

No not from me... those will come tho

This one is from inspiremebaby... 

They are giving away a fabulous photgraphy about how to pose a newborn for a shoot... I dont know if youre into photography, but I am! What a fun giveaway!

click on that TODAY cause its the LAST day for this awesome giveaway!

Get your Alma 17 buddy!!

So my dad, he is very spiritual man. This is one of my favorite things about him! He loves the scriptures and other good books and is constantly reading and being enlightened. I hope that when my little Nod gets a bit bigger I can peruse a bit more in his library and get some good reads myself! Im excited to become more spiritual like him as I read my scriptures and other good books, and get to know the Savior.

When my Dad was younger (probably 20 years ago or more) he made a pact with one of his friends to read the Book of Mormon daily. We just went to BC and spent some time with this old friend- He and my Dad have never forgotten a day since... EVER! Isnt that amazing! I wish I could say that about myself!! Dads friend told us that he calls dad his "alma 17 buddy"... heres why. (I added the red and bold to make my point)



"And now it came to pass that as Alma was journeying from the land of Gideon southward, away to the land of ^aManti, behold, to his astonishment, he ^bmet with the ^csons of Mosiah journeying towards the land of Zarahemla.

  2 Now these sons of Mosiah were with Alma at the time the angel ^afirst appeared unto him; therefore Alma did rejoice exceedingly to see his brethren; and what added more to his joy, they were still his brethren in the Lord; yea, and they had waxed strong in the knowledge of the truth; for they were men of a sound understanding and they had ^bsearched the scriptures diligently, that they might know the word of God.

  3 But this is not all; they had given themselves to much prayer, and ^afasting; therefore they had the spirit of prophecy, and the spirit of revelation, ...

  4 And they had been teaching the word of God ... having had much ^asuccess in bringing many to the ^bknowledge of the truth; ...

  5 ... they had many afflictions; they did suffer much, both in body and in mind, such as hunger, thirst and fatigue, and also much ^alabour in the spirit." Alma 17:1-5

Dad and his friend were just like the sons of Mosiah and Alma. They rejoiced when they saw each other, and they were even more happy to know that both of them had stayed true to this promise to read the Book of Mormon. Through their reading, and fasting, and prayer they both have come to know the Lord. They both are striving to teach what they have learned to others (dads an institute teacher and his friend is on High Council). They both had sorrows to share, but also joys... joys in the gospel and sharing it!

Anyways, after hearing about all of this -well Ive know about the deal my whole life- but after hearing the friend call Dad his alma 17 buddy I decided to find my own! Ive been thinking a lot about it, and praying about who I should ask. Tuesday night I was out with a good friend and she was struggling and I felt impressed to invite her to the challenge. I dont think she will be the only one I ask though, shouldnt everyone have this great oppourtunity? So, I am extending this to all of my readers... Find yourself an Alma 17 buddy... and if you want it can be me! Send me a message so I know, and when we see eachother next we can rejoice that we are still sisters and brothers in Christ.

Love to All

Wink

I was just in the middle of writing this blog full of complaints about life and loss and everything... then, through a friends blog, I came across this. Now Im headed downstairs to hold my little miracle. You know, I was shocked to find out I was pregnant. Shocked. I honestly thought I was going to have a tough time getting pregnant, but three months married and the test said yes... yes... a baby. I remember a couple months later, the phone call from the doctors office- a girl. I couldn't be more happy. Now that things arent really going the way I expected, I get so frustrated... Sometimes I wish i had more help, sometimes I wish I had someone to share her with, sometimes I wonder why Heavenly Father gave me this child when He knew we would end up without D. Tonight though, tonight I just say a prayer of thanks for my angel. She is my light. She took me from darkness, she delivers me from the evil that surrounds. I do not know if i could have been this strong if I didnt have her to fight for. I am sorry that D does not get to share this with me, sorry for him. She truly is a wonderful and special child of God.

"And again I say unto you as I have said before, that as ye have come to the knowledge of the glory of God, or if ye have known of his goodness and have ^atasted of his love, and have received a ^bremission of your sins, which causeth such exceedingly great joy in your souls, even so I would that ye should remember, and always retain in remembrance, the greatness of God, and your own ^cnothingness, and his ^dgoodness and long-suffering towards you, unworthy creatures, and humble yourselves even in the depths of ^ehumility, ^fcalling on the name of the Lord daily, and standing ^gsteadfastly in the faith of that which is to come" Mosiah 4:11

I dont think that by "nothingness" we are meant to think less of ourselves, but to understand how lost we would be withou our Lord. I am watching it firsthand, I have the Lord and I have everything. I watch others leave the fold and lose everything. I am full of gratitude for my little girl, whose kisses and hugs and smiles are constantly reminding me of the Lord's great Love for me.

Oh How I Love a Good Picture!!

 here are two of the fabulous photos from our family shoot! Brittany Curry is so talented! check her out on Facebook... Brittany Curry Photography!

you can check the rest of mine out on my facebook account if you want- I just wanted a little more privacy so my friends can see all of them on my profile- Once again, Thanks Britt!

Calling all Divorcees!

I am NOT having fun filing for this divorce (not atht i thought it would be fun haha). I bought a divorce kit because D and I seemed to agree on everything as far as custody and such goes. Then last week he called and told me more about what he wants... and now the search for a Lawyer begins. He wants to be able to provide "spiritual guidance" for Nod, and wants it written in the contract! Whatever, that is the whole reason I am leaving him, so that he doesn't have spiritual involvement in her life! He thinks Im going to ... how did he put it... something like brainwash her, but he used a different word. Honestly, no matter how i raise her, sh will still have agency to choose another way, he obviously did.

I know that the Lord will provide a way, and although I am frustrated with D, I am not afraid of the situation. It will be years before she is old enough to understand anything he says, and by then Im sure I will have custody and everything worked out so that she is as safe as possible (spiritually, physically, emotionally).

However, now I turn to you- whomever you may be- for advice. Im looking for a good lawyer. This Lawyer would hopefully be a person of faith (not necessarilyof my faith, just a believer in something bigger than them-self), and hopefully someone who could take on a probono case... considering Im a stay at home single mom and my only income is my child tax benefit and little crafts I sell. anybody know anybody who knows anybody?

Ok, well off to my ToDo list. the most depressing list too, considering its pretty much all about the divorce. But hey, once this is over, its over, and that will be a relief!! For those of you who don't have advice in this matter, don't worry, we also need prayers! Lots and Lots and LOTS!



Thank you for the prayers you have already prayed, and those that will be coming... and all other support we have been given on this journey.

Love Winken

Just thinking here. Not having the best week ever. I just really miss my life. I miss having a best friend/partner/love! Nod is having a tough time sleeping, which also leaves me sleep deprived... And I wish I had a husband to take a shift! D was always so good at that kinda thing... Well not so good at calming her down, but good at giving me a break.

I also miss having someone to lay in bed with and talk to at night. It's a lonely life now. Brosie is cute and fun, but the only word she can say is "dada" which is actually quite depressing for me.

Gosh, I hate complaining. I need to get over this! You know what? Everyone has it hard! That's the way life is supposed to be! I read recently "happiness depends on our responses to the difficulties in life". So true! Happiness comes from within... We all have these difficulties... my job is to learn to overcome this trial!

The other day I made some comment on facebook about missing my life. Nine of my friends responded to it encouraging me... and ya know what... None of them have it easy!  Three of them have been single moms, atleast three others suffer from depression, two have children with dissabilities, one has an extremly sick and unhappy toddler, one had to place a baby for adoption, and one recently lost her mother. None of their trials are any easier than mine. I don't really want to trade places with them.

Divorce, or being "alone" is the one thing I never thought I could do. I contemplated it a year ago (when things first changed for D), but thought that even if it was the right thing, it was impossible for me. What a blessing this is for me! Now I will be able to know that I can do anything. I really can... With the Lord of course. He makes me stronger than imaginable. Now I cannot doubt His power, for He has lifted me through. The Savior has given me wings. What a blessing that my testimony is able to grow like this.

Now this is more like it! This is the right attitude. *sigh* sorry if I was all over the place with this post, I just had to write myself through this. I guess I could go edit now, but I like it this way. Rough and uncut, the real me.

In conclusion? Yeah I still miss D and my old life. I miss my friends back there, my sisters, my ward, and those darn cute kids next door! But, it's worth it. Its worth giving up all of that to know my Savior better. I just need to remember this post when the down times come, as I'm sure they will.

How are you getting to know your Savior better? I'd love to hear... Post a comment!!

Some Important Shopping To Do

Last night for Institute we studied Elder D. Todd Christofferson's conference talk. To start off the class we watched one of those "mormon messages" that he had been featured in. There were only four of us in class so far, four girls, and most of the girls giggled as they saw that the video clip was entitled "Let Us Be Men". My dad (our teacher) pointed out that it was just as important for us girls, if not more so, to know what makes great men.He warned us to be careful that we choose this kind of man, a Christ-like man, as we "shop" around for that most important commodity, a husband. The way my dad put it "shop around" is kind of funny, and it gave me an idea... a little analogy I thought I would share about my experiences lately.

 Passing the safety inspection does not a good vehicle make... but does it make a good date?

Divorce is an interesting thing. I thought it would make me miserable, but actually I couldn't be more wrong.When you are doing the right thing, life is good! When I was with D, I did my best to make things work. I was constantly worrying about church, and his testimony, and his problems. I had to wake him up in the afternoon so he didnt sleep all day, I had to encourage him to work so we could pay bills... I had a lot of stress on me! Now that we have decided on divorce, a lot of my stresses have been taken away. The separation hasnt been easy, it has been gray and foundation-less... But knowing it will end in divorce is knowing there will be an end to the madness! It is exciting to know that life will go on, and that this will make me stronger. It is enlightening to know that I get to try again, and do better this time.

And, to be honest, trying again means dating again. Dating can be scary and miserable, but when you date right it can be exhilarating (or so I'm told )! Obviously I can't date yet, I've got a couple more months till the whole divorce thing goes through (my goal is September) .. But I have been open to get to know new people.

This getting to know phase is great! When I meet a guy I can be as open and honest as I want. There is no pressure to go on a date, cause I cant! I just get to ask questions and weed through all the duds. After my dad used the word shopping, I decided to compare dating to shopping for a car. During this time I get to run the men i meet through a "safety inspection" of sorts and decide if they will be "road safe" or date safe in the future.

And Im learning already! It seems that passing a safety inspection is not enough anymore... or maybe it was never enough and I just thought it was. I mean, just because a car can brake does not mean it has the horse power to speed out of a dangerous situation!!  So I ask all sorts of questions, all the right questions too.. and so far Ive been given the right answers usually. At first I thought it was the answers that mattered, but that's what got me into trouble before!! A safety check is too easy, everyone knows what they are supposed to answer. D knew the right answers when we were dating, but that didnt mean he had his own real testimony of Christ.

Behind the answers lies a person! A person who is becoming something! Becoming a safe, or unsafe "vehicle".... or as Elder Christofferson said, becoming more or less like Christ. I recently got to know one person who got every question right. At first I was enthusiastic, thinking this was awesome!! He was attractive, funny, and had a great truck (yes I am a sucker for a nice truck haha). But as we talked, I became unsure about how safe a date he would be. Did he have the extra safety features Im looking for? He passed the safety check, but he what about an ABS brake system, or airbags, or a good loud horn, or the right kind of horse power.

 I went into this divorce situation expecting to find that nobody would be interested in a single mom.... but (and lets go back to our car shopping analogy again) found this really attractive mustang convertable! It had power steering, power locks, power windows... All the bells and whistles... But safety features? I really dont think so! I lamented a while about the mustang... but how safe is a mustang when you've got a baby? I think I'll be looking for one of those safer mini vans instead. My sister thinks maybe a mustnag can turn into a minivan (haha) but Im not so sure. Thats kind of what happened with D right? I was picky, but some small details I looked over, I thought our love could withstand anything... and if it had been founded in christ than it would have! ... but i think I'll be even pickier while car shopping this time.

Yeah it may be a dumb analogy, but I thought I'd share anyways. I sure hope that me talking about dating again doesnt offend anyone.... but it is really going to happen again, if I was never going to date again, I could have just stayed with D, but the point here is to be married in the temple, and I need to look for someone who can take us there.

Love you all!

Winken ;)