This Heart

This heart has been bruised
Pounded by the hammer of Death
Pa told me my Gramma was gone
Hiding under my bed
Not far enough
From bruises,
Purple and green and blue
The simple heart of a child

This heart has been cut
Sliced and stabbed by the knife of Rejection
Returned by the receiver of my naive affection
Hiding under Blankets
Not far enough
From cuts
Long and deep and bloody
The foolish heart of my youth

This heart has been stretched
Racked by the pangs of Loneliness
Family ties forced apart by infidelity
Hiding in a dark room
Not far enough
From the strain
Torturing, and agonizing
The fragile heart of a new mother

This heart has been broken
Torn to bits by the weight of a Secret
Why would the Guilty so burden the Fragile?
Hiding in plain sight
Nowhere is far enough
From the blow of the shrapnel
Shreding, tearing, ripping
Fragments of a heart that would give up

Rejected :'(

Went to the courthouse today.
They had *just* gotten my paperwork back from the Judge, Lyla or something.
My request was rejected.
There were 8 problems with my affidavit.
Malevolence referred to it as a 'magnitide of mistakes'.
I think that means this doesnt happen often.
She was actually nice about it.
She apologized for missing the errors,
told me to come back Tuesday
promised to help with a resolution.
I may have to miss History class
Ugh on all accounts.


Feeling a small bit of peace regardless

I have found a place to live
and my AMAZING friend Asha is letting me stay at her place for the interim.
and Aunty Gramma invited me to dinner
and my Mommy helped me clean my house
and my Dad liked my last blog post
and I got a really great email from J*
and Kings might come to visit today
and Nod is busy watching TV so I can be sad for a minute

The Three Little Pigs and The Big Bad Wolf

Once upon a time there were three little pigs and the time came for them to leave home and seek their fortunes.The first little pig built his house out of straw because it was the easiest thing to do. He was finished very quickly, and skipped along to his brothers place to see if they could dance and play together. The second little pig had been builing his house out of sticks, so he quickly finished up and ran off with his younger brother. They came upon their older sister Piglette, and she was busy slabbing mortar, and putting toegethr a house of bricks. Her two brothers laughed at her, and invited her out to play. Her parents had warned her that there was a big bad wolf on the loose, and she knew she couldnt take chances, so she continued to lay the brick.

One night the big bad wolf, who dearly loved to eat fat little piggies, came along and saw the first little pig in his house of straw. He said "Let me in, Let me in, little pig or I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in!"

"Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin", said the little pig.

But the wolf is strong, and of course he blew the house in and ate the first little pig.

The wolf then came to the house of sticks saying "Let me in ,Let me in little pig or I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in" 

"Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin", said the little pig. But the wolf blew that house in too, and ate the second little pig. 

The wolf then came to the house of bricks.

" Let me in , let me in" cried the wolf

"Or I'll huff and I'll puff till I blow your house in"

"Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin" said little Piglette.

Well, the wolf huffed and puffed but he could not blow down that brick house.

But the wolf was a sly old wolf, so he covered himself in pig skin and kocked again. Somehow he was able to deceive Piglette, and slowly became her friend. Eventually Piglette let him in. Their friendship blossomed into romance and they were married.

Piglette slowly began to realise that something was wrong, and eventually knew that she was going to have to leave her home. She packed her bags and took her family and ran away as fast as her fat squishy legs would take her. She went back to stay with Mama and Papa pig, living with them while beginning construction on her second house of brick. She bought the strongest brick, and she began to put the pieces of her  new home together. 

Shortly after moving in to her humble abode, the wolf came a knocking again. When she refused to let him in he climbed up on the roof to look for a way into the brick house.

Piglette saw the wolf climb up on the roof and lit a roaring fire in the fireplace and placed on it a large kettle of water.When the wolf finally found the hole in the chimney he crawled down and KERSPLASH right into that kettle of water. However, this was not the end of her troubles with the big bad wolf. 

You see, there is a story behind the story.

 That Wolf is Satan, and Satan does not just dissapear because of a few obstacles. He will never stop his attack against the sons and daughters of God. 

When we build our houses, we begin by breaking the ground, turning the soil. Taking our broken and humble hearts to the Lord. Then, brick by brick, with slabs of mortar we build our fortress. I build MY fortress. But the wolf is sneaky, and I cannot rely on my actions alone, but on the voice of the spirit, to tell me when the wolf is sneaking over the roof so I can leave a pot of boiling water over the fire, or to tell me when the pig at the door is really the wolf in disguise.

And when the wolf came knocking at the brother pigs' houses, all they did was yell at him to go away, They said that THEY would not let him in. Well they dont need to, he is strongand cunning enough to find a way in himself. They inadvertantly allowed this to happen easier by building a weak house. Establishing their testimonies perhaps based on a few principals of the gospel. Perhaps their faith was built on the reality of Chiasmus in the book of mormon, or the tingly feeling they had during a prayer, or watching one person be healed. They, like Laman and Lemuel, believed for a moment. But when the questions came, they could not stand strong. When the the rains came down and the floods came up, their house was built on sand alone.                                                 

What are the bricks? They are the small things. Testimonies are not built by grandiose miracles, seeing angels and watching water turn to wine. We know that Laman and Lemuel were not converted by the huge miracles they witnessed. A real fortress of testimony comes by living the small things. Reading your scriptures, saying your prayers, getting answers, it is a slow upward climb. Small bricks of light, placed monotonosly on top of the other to create a shining citadel of Light. Our testimonies are also not usually torn down in a huge way, but by forgetting those important things. Using sticks and stra instead of bricks, reading every now and then, only going to church but not really listening.  D did not leave the church because he read something some day that proved it was wrong. He left slowly. He stopped reading his scriptures because he felt guilty, he stopped praying because he didnt know what to say. He stopped going to church because it became boring to him. Each of these things happened months before the other. He eventually began wishing the church was not true so that he could feel better about himself. In fact he said that, directly. It is odd now to hear his side of the story, his new story. He claims he has found truth, and says it is his duty to share. Only it was three years ago last November that he was crying over his brother leaving the church and wishing he had the ability to share his light and testimony. He wanted to be Nephi, but he did not pick up the sword.

We each get to decide each day what we will do with our lives and our testimonies. My friend Asha has had concerns about her faith, but she prays and studies and searches in good places, and she will find the Light. In fact, she already has. Just this week I had a moment where I doubted, and she was there to bear me her testimony and lift me up. She said part of faith is being okay knowing that we cannot ever really know. We have this false sense feeling we have to completley KNOW everything, but that is not faith. Even Bob Wight, a former member of the seventy, told me that having questions is good and healthy, and we must search out the answers. I had never been told this before (that I can remember), and the first time I doubted I was serisouly afraid. Terrified. But I cannot really have faith, unless I have doubted. There cannot be light if there is no darkness, there would not be joy if there was no pain. I have seen the dark, and I know where the Light is. I have felt the aching pains, and I get to experience the tremendous joy.

And I am building my shining Citadel, brick of light, by brick of light. Hey, Im not perfect. I make mistakes, but the testimony is there, and it is becoming a fortress of Christ.

A Shining Citadel

Well, the other night as I drove home from the church, I came around a bend and found myself at the top of the most beautiful hill.  It is one of my favorite parts of the city, because at night, for a few seconds as you drive by, you can see the lights of the city. There are mostly trees, a LOT of trees, in this city, which I appreciate in their own time, but you can hardly ever see lights. Not only are there so many trees to cover the city lights, but the buildings here arent shining and magnificent, like the big Calgary or Edmonton, or even the other small city I lived in before. I miss the cityscape effect late at night. Only in very few spots can I see even a small bit of what I enjoyed back there, which is why I love the top of this hill. Anyways, for a second, I squinted a bit, and I felt at home. As if I was back again, looking across the coulies to the city lights, the university, the water tower, the reds and yellows of cars coming and going, the reds and greens of traffic controls. Not kidding you, every single time I would driveback there at night I would be in awe of the lights. EVERY time. It never got old. and I miss it so much. 

I loved it so much that it once inspired a song.

"Driving to you tonight I am mesmerized,

by the sight 

of the city lights

shining bright 

and remember when 

the world first enticed my eyes".

The song was also inspired by an institute lesson where we learned that Christ is Light. Light is Christ. Whenever I would gaze at these lights I would begin to imagine him, there, with me, everywhere I went. Shining. 

So, as I drove home from the church, my mind went back to that old song, and then to that institute lesson about the Light of Christ within me. I was driving home, squinting at these lights and I thought of me.

I thought, Im kind of like that. Im not totally dark, like D, and Im not a shining citadel like *some* people I know... but if you squint just the right way, you can see how my light is becoming something. I have potential. One day, I too can be that shining citadel. 

 

I remember learning in High School that a citadel was a strong place, that cannot be taken... and I guess in a way I have already shown that part of myself. When the devil came knocking at the door of my home, I refused to let him in. I tried for a year and a half to bring the spirit into my home, and when there was no better option, I went running. I was the strong place that would not be taken. My testimony, a fortress. Sometimes now I do not feel as strong as I once did. The day I drove away from my husband I never expected this to happen. I thought I was making a stance, I thought he would come around, change his mind and start obeying some rules so he could have us back. I thought that eventually, he would believe. I had to have hope. 

Now my hope has changed. Now I hope to become like that shining city I love so much. The city I was forced to leave, but long to be like. Full of the Light of the Savior. Shining brightly in the dark nights of these the last days. 

I hope to become a great mother, to raise my sweet baby up in the ways of the Lord.

I hope to become a great student, filled with both knowledge and wisdom.

And I hope one day, to be blessed to be a great wife, a loving, compassionate best friend to a man who will shine on with me. 

A little more about my song. It is probably one of my favorite three. It begins by mentioning city lights, and moves on to the glory of the stars, then the moon, and finally the Sun. Okay, you may not beleive me, but in describing this song I have never used the word glory before, and I only now saw the comparison with the Plan of Salvation.... huh... neat.  In my song I more meant to show that I was in awe of these small lights, when the sun is really the most awe inspiring, lighting up our entire earth, warming soil, and beings, and air. The sun, like the Son, truly light our world. Compared to him I am but a street lamp, but I see my potential.

Here is the last verse of my song:

"Sun rises on the land, I watch the miracle while holding the hand

of the only one I trust to withstand

the darkness, you are smiling and

the sun rise is slow, I need you to know

the beauty of the light within

the darkness that the night can bring

this miracle we're watching in the skies

is the Son reflecting in your eyes"

Wanted: Prince Charming (PC)

As I drove home tonight, I could not help but imagine what it would be like to have someone waiting at home to greet me. Not just "someone", but someone amazing. He would take one look at my face and know that there was something wrong. After a quick explanation about my EXCRUCIATING pain, he would take charge. 

He would take Nod out of my aching arms, and draw me a bath. Then would put Nod to bed, tidy the house, and fix me a lovely little meal. During the meal he would listen as I explained how much it hurt... and say 

"Im so sorry youre in so much pain Babe, I'll drive to church tomorrow, and watch over Nod so you don't have to worry about any bending or lifting". 

Then he would massage my back for as long as needed, and snuggle up with me on the couch. We'd watch one of my movies (Sense and sensibility),  just as a treat... even if he rolled his eyes... a * little*. 

Oh, and this would all be a treat, just special treatment because <3 he loves me <3, and Im sick. Its not like I expect PC to be my maid and personal slave, but when Im sick, like today, he'd be ready to take control of the situation. 

And while he was at it, working his magic, PC can make up for everything else Ive missed out on for the past 11 months. ... Ehem... You know, like killing the spiders, and mounting that white fish I caught up on the wall ;)

Oh, and another thing, he would listen when I complain about D, or whatever else I needed to get off my chest...and he would know and love me well enough that it wouldnt be awkward, just normal. I could tell him all about my day, without leaving any parts out. Cause when youre married, sharing is just easy. 

Then, (because this is *my* fantasy). He would go back where he came from... Without leaving dirty socks on the floor, or the toilet seat up. Yes, because this is *my* fantasy, I shove him back into the corner of my imagination...  getting all that is wonderful from marriage, and none of the little annoyances. Nope, not a bit of pee on the toilet seat, or hairs from him shaving in the sink. 

Alright, Mr wonderful, or Prince Charming, or whatever you want to be called, today is the day...

Ou Est Tu?

Xo

Wink

Best Friends

What would you do without them? Tough Question, eh?

I am blessed to have many many many best friends.

And most of them I mentioned in my last blog post, but...

I forgot someone important!

Actually a group of someones... a whole Family!

The ... um... what shall we call them?

The Oregono's!!!

These guys are seriously... awesome.

The Mom has been through a bit of my situation...

and thus has become a huge strength for me

She is a citadel.

I hope to aquire some of her strengths

and to learn from her success

and the Dad has been one of my best friends for... years.

Which is saying something, cause I am bad at keeping in touch.

But I have made a special place in my heart

just for them

and their beautiful daughter 'Maya

(pron. M-eye-a)

Who is Nods best friend

or at least she will be once we live in the same country.

J* and M* are a stellar team,

together they encompass all that is wonderful about the world

Beautiful art, Vast knowledge, Perfect love, 

Wisdom.

One of my favorite scriptures is Jacob 6:12

"Oh be wise, What can I say more?"

J* and M* are wise.

and they share their amazing wisdom with me

Thanks heavens for email, and technology!

Thanks, and hope you like my second edit ;)

-Wink

A lot of LOOOOOVE (aka a list of thankyous for the help during 2010)

I cant sleep. Isnt that terrible! I have so much to do everything is just floating in my mind and keeping me up... so I made a list on google docs, I ate some chocolate chips, and now I should *really* try going back to bed. Only I dont wanna. I get so hooked into this internet thing, and, and, and... well, Im just having a good night and I want to shout it out!

Ive noticed, finally, that Ive come pretty far from last year. I was such an unholy mess. My life was sleeping, eating, tending to Nod, crying over D... and then two fantastic girls saved me from my mess, L and K.

It began in the mothers room as I tried to learn the ropes of nursing, I told L a bit about D (who at this point had stopped going to church). They invited me over one day, and then kept inviting me. I started working out with K, I stopped sleeping in, I made better meals, my house was cleaner, I had something to look forward to. K and L, thanks x a million. You seriously had a major impact on my life. I wish I could be there with you guys still, but no such luck.

Instead, Ive made some great new friends. A.W. and K.C. These two also have saved me. Funny, this began in the nursing mothers room at church also. AW invited me to a playdate, where I met KC and felt an instant kinship with these women, and others like RL and JC. I was worried I wouldnt fit in because I didnt have a husband around, but they accepted me, flaws and all. These women kept me sane during the first 6 months of my seperation. Thanks Ladies, for your love and support

Now I would be silly to not mention my family here. My Mom, Dad, and sister C were also major players in my life change. My Parents accepted a screaming child and confused mother into their home, packed jam full like a can of sardines. They took me to court, blessed me with the priesthood, and paid for us to stay alive. C has also been there, with her words of wisdom, love and support. The day that my life crashed she was willing to offer a bed, and a shoulder, and some sound advice. Thanks C, you are a fantastic sister. And these arent the only family members who have helped! Back south my sisters all got together and helped pack up my half of everything, and My aunt MotheR Goose stored my things... and Here in the north Ive had more Aunts to watch Nod and cook meals and introduce me to the wards. Im very very blessed.

In the south there was also the support of great visiting teachers, next door neighbours, and of course Dee. Dee, Im so sorry I havent been to see you, but I love our chats and the support you have been for us. Thanks for the laughs, the love and the wisdom.

And as life sorts out here in Alberta, I find that things arent always as bad as they seem. I mean, some nights seem really hard, but they would be worse if I was back in the shoes of years past. Ive aged a decade this past year.

And I must throw some love to those who have kept me sane during these months of school. All those YSAers who accept and love both Nod and I without judgement, you guys rock. Asha, you are such a great friend, thank you for your help with essays and dating and how to dress ;) Kings, man I hope you didn't read this all, but if you did, You're the best dishwasher that my butter chicken cooking skills can buy! No seriously, You are an awesome friend, and you totally got me that A on my history paper :)

And dont let me forget, the parlour girls and their ridiculous letter writing society! Those construction paper cards left me laughing and crying. They were healing. Thanks Ladies

Oh, and a shout out to the many many many babysitters. Thanks.

And some love for Nod, who slept the whole time I wrote this blog. You are my light.

Thanks most of all go to the heavens. He is blessing me even when I do not deserve it. His love showers me, enfolds me, encircles me.

Lucy*

Inside me you began
As a little seed
I would rock in my chair
You would kick around
Streching me out,
Your body inside mine, I grew

And when we moved,
It was together
You were mine
Because I created you

With you came worries
How would I teach you rest
And provide hind milk,
And warm your tiny hands
The nurse told me to hold you close
And skin to skin, you grew

And when we moved,
It was together
Maybe you were mine
Because I wanted you

Then the cold of winter came
With it was despair
We packed our little rocking chair
Half of our possesions
The car lulled you to sleep
Wet tears on my skin, the hurt grew

And when we moved,
It was together
Why ever did He give you me
What could I alone offer you?

Through Spring and Summer
We rocked in that chair
Cutting teeth, mending wounds
 A long Fall, another Winter
You calming me as I had you
And skin to skin, we grew

And when we move,
It is together
He gave me you
Because I need you

To dream you
To love you
To be loved by you

For now by you alone

And inside me you grow
As a seed of testimony
Refining my weakness'
And proving Him to me

*So titled because Ive nicknamed her Lucy for some strange reason

Oh how I love her!!! (Photos of Nod at request)

 Nod ws giving hugs and kisses to Bob the Builder... awww

 One of the messes I have caught her in lately!!

 

Look Mom, Im driving!!!

 With Grampa, he is her FAVORITE!

 With Kingsley and Tigger

Look at that SMILE!!

A work in progress

A work in progress... that could describe me, but it also describes this post. I keep editing it.

I was reading through some old blog posts (avoiding writing my Poli Sci assignment, *shh* dont tell) and I came across a few different sections that stuck out to me.I realised a few things. I noticed that I rush to judgement too quickly.

For instance... In my first week of Institute here, I complained about 4th branch. I felt like the members treated me like a lepar because I was different. Well, Ive got to take that back. The great thing about 4th branch is that *everyone* is different!! I feel so included now, and I owe that all to my friend Faws. He is an outgoing guy, with one foot in my world (he is a dad) and one foot in theirs (because he is a YSA). He reached out to me simply by including me in conversations about child support and parenting. One day while we were talking after institute, Nod kept dropping her soother. Faws made this fun competition to see who would be the first to pick it up for me. That is how I first became reaquainted with Kingsley. In that older blog post about institute, I had been upset that Kingsley had not ackowledged me because we had met years ago. However, I had not know that not only is he really shy, but also he did not recognize me (I do look quite different). After institute one night Faws invoted me to go out for cocoa with what became known as "The clique". Now, I did not come up with this name. Im an all inclusive type girl, but it seems that there were about 4 regulars that came to every party I threw, even when I invited more. Mack, Liss, Faws, and Kings.  They have each become dear friends, and those girls have really helped lift my spirits. Through them I got to know everyone else in the branch. Nobody really cares that I have a baby, in fact she is here everytime they come over, and they invited me to bring her toboganning last week, and bowling this week. Great bunch of ppl here, and I just judged them too too fast.

Again about judging. The next section I found in my old posts was at a time when I was quick to judge someone to be good. Met this guy from the big city at a wedding in my town, thought he was great, found out he was merely human (aka the kind way of saying not great, -which is the kind way of saying terrible), and I wrote this post about "what to shop for" when dating. I said (and I quote) ..."And Im learning already! It seems that passing a safety inspection is not enough anymore... or maybe it was never enough and I just thought it was. I mean, just because a car can brake does not mean it has the horse power to speed out of a dangerous situation!!  So I ask all sorts of questions, all the right questions too.. and so far Ive been given the right answers usually. At first I thought it was the answers that mattered, but that's what got me into trouble before!! A safety check is too easy, everyone knows what they are supposed to answer. D knew the right answers when we were dating, but that didnt mean he had his own real testimony of Christ." As I read this portion of my post, the portions I highlighted stood out to me again. Passing an inspection has never been enough- I was oh so wrong about that- most men that are raised in the church know what kind of answers to give. I think this is also where I went wrong with D. He talked the talk, but after we were married, it turned out taht he didnot walk the walk.

Oh and by ''inspection', I meant the list of questions, like does he go to church, is he an RM, does he sing, does he have a good job, blue eyes, want 6 kids... blah blah blah, whatever your preference. Well, just because a man/boy went on a mission doesnt mean he is wise, or responsible, or diligent or righteous. Does he know where the line is, and will he respect that line? Now thats a better question, one you tend to find out only by watching. Cause that "mustang convertible" that I mentioned, he gave me some great answers when we first met, cause, but when I watched he acted in a totally different way.

You see, later on in a different post I say this "Also also also also... I met a minivan... I think... hahaha ;) of course, there isnt anything going on... just a friend who i keep learning more about. Im definatley liking everything I learn. I geuss meeting someone who isnt a total retard has made me excited about the prospect of dating. Sure I'd like to go on a date with this minivan, but its not even that, its that now i want to go on dates... many... because I feel this new hope that *he* is out there... somewhere." PFFFFFFT minivan? Sure he was my aunts hometeacher, but he was NOT a nice safe, righteous guy! He knew the right answers, he knew how to make himself look good, but he was simply manipulative and bad. Again, through observation I got to know this before too long.

Another thing I learned from reading my blog, is that I talk about men and dating TOOOOO much. Or is it? Well it sure is a lot! Since my separation I have mentioned 1.)Mr Met at a wedding  2.)Mr. My Aunts Home Teacher 3.)Faws (the Dad) 4.)Kingsley. Now only 75% of that list did I think of dating, there was one who was always just a friend... and there is another one who has yet to fail my list. But that doesnt mean I need to ramble about them on here now does it?

Well, its a good place to put my ideas, even if the whole world *could* read them... Im sure they dont. I only have 30 followers, and maybe along they way they learn a thing or two, like hmm... what have you learned?


Well I dont know, better question is, what have I learned? Does hindsight give me better vision for the future?
Well, there is only one from that list that is current. Kingsley, probably one of my bestest friends right now. Things have been different with him, a good different. Partially because I took my time getting to know him, partially because he wasnt as inherintly evil as others and could not be tossed out as easily.

My girlfriend, Peru, taught me of a thing called "dissinterest". Caring for someones well-being, but not for their romance. Correct me if Im wrong on that definition Peru... I feel I am doing alright in this aspect with Kings. I notice that he has not failed me, but I try not to get caught up in feelings of romance. I try to be logical, and enjoy the friendship. I guess his mom says that people our age can never be 'just friends'. From the amount I talk about him I bet my Mom would say the same. But I havent asked the tough questions yet, so I remain partially removed. The tough questions would be the ones I neglected when dating D- sacrifice, hard work, testimony, weakness. Im not sure when to ask these intense questions.


Its not like you can bring up chastity on a first date, well, if you can, let me know now! In fact, some things you may only ever bring up indirectly, but some answers you may only get if you directly ask. How the heck do you do that? help me out here sisters!! Whom of you think you have a fantastic husband, and how did you get him? I mean, partially its living the right way, being able to attract the right kind of guy... but some questions just have to be asked, and Im not sure how or when. I want to ask now, I dont want to have fallen in love by the time I find out he has the same issues as D. That would be killer. (btw, when I say 'he' Im not referring to a specific someone, just any eventual 'him')


Which brings me to my final quote from myself "I am going to b the worst date ever. the poor guy will be thinking 'oh she has a nice face, and she is smart and maybe I should take her out again' and I'll be thinking 'ok he's attractive and righteous and LETS GET MARRIED AND HAVE A BABY' haha... well i hope im not *that* bad. Maybe I should direct said future guy to my blog so he knows what he is gettin himself into by dating me. Or maybe not. haha"... Haha, well, perhaps directing said guy to this blog post would be an easy answer. I could post the tough questions right here!!

Orrrr maybe not. The thing about this quote is that I really do feel like Im being more picky than others. I need to be picky, but I feel like its going to be annoying for whomever I date. Even Kingsley, for instance, doesnt seem as picky as I am in the girls he wants to date.

and long story short, Nod is awake, after many edits, this is still a massive rambling journal online. Enjoy, or not.


XO
Wink ;)

Untitled from winkenwrites on Vimeo.

Nod loves to sing!

Happy New Years!!

...and happy New Years Resolution: Day 1.
My resolution this year is to give up FB for at least one month. If I go back in February I will be on a max of two hours per week or something, cause in 2010 I was on for more than 2 hours a day. I need to be a better Mommy than that! However, Nod is sleeping right now, and Im *craving* my FB fix!!! EEK! I can do anything, and I know I can do this, but I have had to make a concerted effort to NOT think in status updates all day!!

Gratitudes today? I was so spoi... erm... 'blessed' this Christmas. I got presents that I needed, and some that I simply wanted (and some I didnt even know I wanted until I got them)! Today I got to spend my Body Shop gift card, which was super fun! I love being able to shop for myself, and it doesnt happen often! I got to shop with my sister in law Kay, and man is she ever great! She looped her arm in mine and we wandered down the halls of the nearly abandoned mall. It was a small gesture from her, but it meant a lot to me! Thanks Kay, and Thanks to everyone who contributed to our fabulous Christmas!

Favorite Christmas gifts (in no particular order)? Painting of the Eiffel tower, The game of Life in French, Piano Lessons, my picture frames filled with photos, Nods little rocking horse and owl. Thanks guys :)

Favorite Christmas memories? Dancing with my little-big brother Jack. It was actually at the New Years eve dance. He had seriously offended me before Christmas, and well, our relationship has been rocky since D introduced him to the anti-religionist ways, and since Jack itroduced D to drugs and alchohol. I know both things were bound to happen, but it hurt me nonetheless. Well, someone crazy suggested we dance, and grudgingly I said yes... until... He apologized. it was a Christmas miracle. I know I *should* have forgiven him without the apology, but Im not perfect yet! Anyways, that was nice.

Another favorite (though it srsly annoyed me at the time) was when little Nod chased Grampa around the house saying MAMAMAMA! Haha, we're trying to teach her to say Pa, she loves him so much!

and a little about Nod. She sure is growing fast, she walks, and says a few words, and signs a little. She can sign 'more', and 'all done', and sometimes she'll do 'please' and 'thankyou'. She waves hi and bye. She understands more and more of what I say, like "where is the such-and-such" "where is so-and-so'" and "do you like that"... She nods for yes and shakes for no, she does some actions for "if youre happy and you know it" and dances anytime music is on, even just the TV, she loves to sing along with the radio, or even without it. She says Ball, and Book, though they sound very similar. She says animal sounds like quack, and arf arf, moo, and grr. She doesnt sleep through the night, but she does sleep, so thats good! She knows how to unscrew things like lipgloss, and how to open lotion bottles (yes, very messy!), and she loves to fish around in the toilet (so I like to shut that door!). Just today I showed her how to fold her arms for prayer, and she began to walk around the house with her arms folded! Oh, and my favorites... She gives hugs and kisses and pets your head when asked to be gentle! She hasnt learned to say Papa (my Dad) yet, but it does sound like she says Ammy (Grammy for my mom), and she hasnt figured out Dadda... well, okay, not true, she said Dad once, but it wasnt to D, and Im fine with that! He hasnt put in much effort to be a Dad financially, and one day she will have someone else to call Dadda.

Uh oh, Nod just ate a hot pepper... *back to life again*

xo
Wink