BLIGARDGAHAPATITISHNESS!
That's a word I just made up for when life is happy, and sad, and confusing, and hurtful, and annoying, and frustrating, and peaceful. all at once.
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Life is happy! School is almost done, I get to see my family a lot and we get along great. Today I gave Shmuck a big ol hug and really meant it. Im going to end up with okay marks for a single mom who is just learning the ropes. My house is clean, and a very attractive (righteous, talented, funny) young man helped me clean it (he was over for a missionary discussion). I had a great time with the missionaries today, I made an excellent meal, receieved many compliments, and enjoyed the lesson. Now, I almost dont feel like going on. I could stop here, and you would think things are just great. But, they arent.
Life is sad. Today was an emabarrsing and long day at church. For the tiny moment I was in RS all we talked about was marriage. I srsly almost burst into tears. I just wanted to march on over to D's house (yes a 5 hr drive. Im sure would have changed my mind after 5 minutes of marching) and punch him in the face. Why did you leave me? I mean, technically I moved out, but YOU left mister! You blew up the life I knew and completley altered it! We could have worked through it!! Really! Even though I was counselled by some that I shouldnt try, and they may have been right, if he could only have given up just one thing, I would have stuck with the rest. I gave and gave and gave, I loved and loved, I changed, I moved, I grew... and he sat stagnant like a pool of water until I left. Once I moved out the changes came with ease, but they were not the type that would keep me around. I knew, KNEW, it was over. It. Our marriage. My life as I knew it. I miss that life. I dont miss that life. I love him. I hate him. I want it back. I dont want it back.
Oh wait, Ive skipped ahead to the confusing part of life. Well, that is not all that is confusing. I mean, all in all, I really don't want THAT back, I just want the companion. The best friend. I miss the man I fell in love with. The man who washed all the laundry because I was scared of the spiders in out Laundry room. The man who massaged my tummy when I had cramps. The man who cut the chicken cause I hate touching raw meat. basically, the man who made life easy. Yet he also made it hard. Now Ive just made a big swap. Some things are easy now. I love myself more, I'm not scared of being betrayed, I know where I stand and choose to stand with those who are on the same page... I know where my future is ultimately headed. And I'm learning from the new hard things. I cut all the chkn tonight, even tho there was a perfectly capable man I could have asked to do it. I kill my own spiders, tho Ive chosen to live somewhere with less bug problems at all... and I take red raspberry tea when my cramps get bad. I cope. I get along.Oh but I digress, that's not why life is confusing. Well, lets just say, I'm sufficiently confused about what to do in the new year. Everyone has pitched in advice, and I thought I agreed with the majority vote. But now, I'm not acting like that. I'm confused because I'm surprised by my choices. Not in a bad way. just in a, "well what now?" way.
well I think Ive covered the hurtful, and annoying, and frustrating, portions of life already.
As for peaceful? Well the spirit is here. It is calming me. I find love and the Lord in hidden corners all around. I fold them up and carry them in a pocket in my heart. Sweet peace amidst the rest.
Of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of cabbages and kings... of why the sea is boiling hot and whether pigs have wings.
I'm sorry about RS. I noticed that it was all about marriage and I was surprised that they didn't relate it or say anything about those that are not married. I have had to decide that since they said that they were teaching the same thing to the men, that because Satan is trying his best to destroy marriages, this class was all on preventing that. (although I felt it was hurtful and insensitive to some) Like any death or loss, things hurt more at different times and circumstances, but will mostly get better over time. I trust in you and in the Lord that you will overcome! <3 In the meantime, here's a hug for those sad days. (and you can get one in person, too!)
ReplyDeleteLove you! Aunt Em
You are an incredible writer Elisabeth. Your writing is intriguing. I find myself sucked in very easily.
ReplyDeleteThanks Aunt Em, Im glad it wasnt just my imagination in RS
ReplyDeleteThanks Latissa!!! Thats well, just awesome, I mean, I love writing. Jared thinks I should make a blog for single parents... and maybe I will, so that my writing has some purpose rather than just emotional ramblings :)