The Fence

I thought I was on the greener side of the pasture. Well, I am. But the other day I hopped up on the fence and looked around at the life I had left. It certainly had some green patches, but there would be no progression, no improvement,and likely degression. On my side of the fence there is currently a lot of fertalizer. It stinks to high heavens, but in the end the grass will grow stronger, the colour brighter, and the sight will be magnificent. I am reminded of what LuAnn Mitchell once said to me "Life is good, everything that isnt good is just fertalizer to make life better" (or something to that effect). It was getting kind of neausiating amongst the heaping piles of dung, so I went for a drive for some fresh air. I rode in the passengerseat of that beatup firely and dejavu hit me hard. I could almost forget that it was 2011, for the situation seemed so normal, so last year. D beside me, Brosie behind me, the coulees out to the west, the watertower in the north. We met up with the family I hadnt seen in a year. There were hugs and kisses, there was a little Nod showered with love and presents and affection from grandparents and cousins she did not recognise. I love them. I was burdened with guilt for not having seen them. Then I was reminded why I am on my side of the fence. I cannot go back to that life. I also do not think that past mixes well with my future. I would like to say I will see them again soon, but you know what, I won't. I have a little peice of them with me though. She is beauiful, she has her grandmothers hair, D's eyes, and the family look. As much as I miss my beauiful city, and the ladies of the parlour, life does not stop. It grows and changes and morphs and adds and takes away. Those coulees have been taken away. That family has been taken away. I will always be their friend, but this judgement will come, and I will cease to be their family. It is a wound I have to live with for a while, until life croses our paths again. So, as D dropped me off at my sisters after his visit with Nod, I slapped my brain across the face. I thought of last yearand all the times we drove to the same little house. The times he ignored me and played his
ipod, or the blessings I had to get from someone worthy, or the bed my sister had offered me the day I found out everything. As I closed the door behind him I felt I was closing out the world. That little home is one of refuge from the world. I became empowered again in my determination to move forward. I took back another piece of my heart, claimed it my own again. Good thing I felt that boost too, cause on the other side of the fence there was some fresh dung on the pile. A broken alternator, a broken thermostat, a broken phone line, an extremly sick child. speaking of the little child, she wakes.

God Bless
Wink