Correction re: Malevolence

Okay okay okay. So Malevolence isn't that bad after all. In fact, let's call her Levy. She swore me to secrecy, but I figure that because I'm not using her real name I can say this much. She gave me her personal email address and phone number, and has been emailing me tonight helping me finish these stupid papers. I think that definitely makes up for her overlooking all my mistakes (thus getting my judgment rejected- which turned out to be a blessing anyways) and for the rude comments. In truth, she is actually just a good person. A good person with an abrasive personality at times. She means well, and I respect that. and her. Thanks Levy, and I sincerely hope you never read this. :P

Wink

The Fence

I thought I was on the greener side of the pasture. Well, I am. But the other day I hopped up on the fence and looked around at the life I had left. It certainly had some green patches, but there would be no progression, no improvement,and likely degression. On my side of the fence there is currently a lot of fertalizer. It stinks to high heavens, but in the end the grass will grow stronger, the colour brighter, and the sight will be magnificent. I am reminded of what LuAnn Mitchell once said to me "Life is good, everything that isnt good is just fertalizer to make life better" (or something to that effect). It was getting kind of neausiating amongst the heaping piles of dung, so I went for a drive for some fresh air. I rode in the passengerseat of that beatup firely and dejavu hit me hard. I could almost forget that it was 2011, for the situation seemed so normal, so last year. D beside me, Brosie behind me, the coulees out to the west, the watertower in the north. We met up with the family I hadnt seen in a year. There were hugs and kisses, there was a little Nod showered with love and presents and affection from grandparents and cousins she did not recognise. I love them. I was burdened with guilt for not having seen them. Then I was reminded why I am on my side of the fence. I cannot go back to that life. I also do not think that past mixes well with my future. I would like to say I will see them again soon, but you know what, I won't. I have a little peice of them with me though. She is beauiful, she has her grandmothers hair, D's eyes, and the family look. As much as I miss my beauiful city, and the ladies of the parlour, life does not stop. It grows and changes and morphs and adds and takes away. Those coulees have been taken away. That family has been taken away. I will always be their friend, but this judgement will come, and I will cease to be their family. It is a wound I have to live with for a while, until life croses our paths again. So, as D dropped me off at my sisters after his visit with Nod, I slapped my brain across the face. I thought of last yearand all the times we drove to the same little house. The times he ignored me and played his
ipod, or the blessings I had to get from someone worthy, or the bed my sister had offered me the day I found out everything. As I closed the door behind him I felt I was closing out the world. That little home is one of refuge from the world. I became empowered again in my determination to move forward. I took back another piece of my heart, claimed it my own again. Good thing I felt that boost too, cause on the other side of the fence there was some fresh dung on the pile. A broken alternator, a broken thermostat, a broken phone line, an extremly sick child. speaking of the little child, she wakes.

God Bless
Wink

Rapunzels tower...

these nights are long and lonely
as I turn about in bed
fairy-tales and non fiction
tumble about my head

they, swirling with the dust
Sandman poured inside my eyes,
confuse the lands of dream and wake
and terrorize my mind

Have you walked between the lands
of the dreaming and the wake
let me share a story
of the ways a heart can break

For my father was my uncle
and my uncle was my friend
and my friend built me a tower
and he stood gaurd to defend

with his sword of truth and power
shield of faith and feet of peace
and my hair grew like rapunzel
and he faught against the prince

but on braids of golden lies
a princely pig ascended up
and we made ourselves a castle
though the man below warned stop

and then life went a changing
for none can command it stay
and the princes teeth were sharpened
until his wolfish fangs gave way

buthe the man weapons had broken
and his feet crumbled to dust
and he saw the wolf attacking
and confused, he did not run

but tore apart the tower
brick by brick and stone by stone
and turned against the princess
and cut her hair that shone

her heart, broken by two that day
her heart it seared and burned
but she picked herself back up again
picked herself back up and learned

that the rock to build a towr apon,
the son of god, is christ
no man nor prince could save her
from the winds of toil and strife

and the tower that would protect her
is the one she works to build
and the weapons she can rely on
are the ones she herself wields

so rapunzel was women
and a women was then I
and i dug my fingers in the dirt
and built a tower in the sky

till I woke from sleepless dreaming
with tears and tremours strong
with my pillow and my blanket
one dark night, long and lone.

Calling all Purple People Eaters ;)

        Okay, a while back I claimed that the worst part about being a single mom was getting sick.  Now I would like to correct that.The absolute worst part is dealing with her Dad.

I cant do it anymore.

         There have been four emails since Tuesday about a misscommunication (I noticed it was a miscommunication but decided not to explain myself, thinking he would leave it alone... bad idea... he no longer knows how to leave anything alone.). Eventually he said "why are you making a big deal about this"? and I said "Im not, lets leave it" ...and he STILL went on. Arguing with himself now. Not me. Ive left. Im done.
        I dont want to see him tomorrow, but I will. He says "we need to be civil to eachother" Well who the heck ever said that???? I didnt! When I said "I want a divorce" I did not say ... "oh but I want to stay on speaking terms, and talk to you all the time and tell you my secrets and hold your hand"... Nope. I would prefer to have nothing to do with him. I remain as neutral as possible. Okay, maybe you wouldnt call it neutral, I just stay away as much as possible, and when I HAVE to see him or talk to him, Im not mean. I think that is nice of me, and would like a pat on the back...(psst, devoted readers... Thats your job :P)

This week has been interesting. Im living with asha while I wait to get my new place (tomorrow) and Ive been sleep training Nod (who is fantastic might I add!)... while working on essays, fixing legal papers, and studyning for my midterm. Today was not really a day of peace, though it began well. I read my scriptures, said my prayers, pondered on moving to Utah (or elsewhere for school)... But then the packing and moving began, and this pain appeared in my chest and remained... ALL DAY.
I think the pain has to do with a few things; Im sad about leaving my apartment, and also Im a little sad about valentines. This year Im not going to be married or single for valentines day. Kind of frusterating... think of it this way. Married people have their spouse to love and hold and such, single people can at least hope that some secret admirer will send them something, or they will meet someone at the dance or something... I am neither married nor single. There is no hope. Or at least, there shouldnt be. Unless I disregard the rules. OR I could just focus on the love I have from other places. CC and Dee, My parents, Nod, My two best friends Kings and Jair... Im sure they will all be mine for valentines day, so I dont need to mope around... alright, Im done complaining (I blame asha who pointed this Vday thing out to me a minute ago)

and now, a different thought...
So let me share what I learned at Institute this week.
I learned about the importance of out thoughts.
The lesson was supposed to be on 'pondering'... It was Helamen 6-10 I think, we read about Nephi pondering the things that the Lord had shown him, and receving some amazing revelation. We then looked at modern day examples of prophets receiving important revelation after pondering. The sense I started to get is that our thoughts have a huge deal of importance!! I then began to wonder what had been on my mind lately... and I was a bit ashamed. Ok, maybe a poor word choice, but I really think there are more important things to focus my thoughts on than the things I have been focusing on. So I decided that certain things would be cut from my mind until further notice...
or at least, thats what I told myself... until I found I couldnt stop thinking about it. There are some things, or some people, that have been in my mind for so long that I couldnt just remove them that easily. Its going to take some getting used to. So you know what I did? I decided what kinds of things I *should* be focusing my thoughts on... "Seek learning, even by study, and also by faith"... so... My list started with populism, feminism, democracy, Churchill etc. The things which I study. Then I included things of faith, the gospel, the scriptures Ive been reading, my testimony. So, when a certain unwanted thought came into my mind I thought *populism is...* or I recited my favorite scripture.
And you know what? I began to have a portion of Empathy towards D and his pornography addiction. Now, I know my thoughts werent actually *bad*, but they were consuming... what I mean by that is that I spent a lot of time focused on these certain things. Things of no importance really. Not when I have a baby to look after, a paper to write, and an apartment to pack. D did the same thing, he spent his time thinking unwanted thoughts, and then he had a difficult time changing his behaivior because his mind was so addicted to those thoughts.
Now dont go on thinking Ive got some huge sin on my mind, I dont, I just realised how tough it would be if I did. I feel sorry for D. And for others in similar situations. It would take a lot of control, effort, faith and such to get beyond something like that.

xo
Wink

Conversational Snow storms

s s snow
shoveled
difts high as my head

my head
l l lost
an avelanche.
of c c conversation
and I drowned

until,
a shower
of frozen innocence on my face

let the cold numb the wounded heart
my fake smile thaws
the words flow again

for a m m moment
a small peace
a quiet moment
before you start to speak again

Sleeeeeeeeeeping Beauty

Since Satutday the 29th I have had an average of 5 hrs of sleep per night.Minus the times I awake with Nod in the night. But, in the end it will be worth it to have her trained.

Im sleepy, and school bores me. Life bores me. Everything bores me.


And Goodnight.