Hello Blog-Following World.
Life is pretty much busy busy busy for us now. I have a little video work, a lot of school work, and an almost toddler to take care of. Nod is up and down and always trying harder everyday to figure out how to make those legs work to her advantage! Her favorite thing to do is get dressed up. She digs all the beaded necklaces out of her toy box and puts them on herself, then takes them off, and puts them back on again. She takes off her socks, and trys like heck to get them back on... and she really likes to take out my earrings and put them on her head... haha. Im loving watching her grow.
Still, I can't help but wonder what it would be like to do the stay-at-home mom thing. To be with her all day, playing with her, making all the meals and cleaning the house and giving the baths. I dont really feel like im her primary caretaker. Miss(the sitter) seems to be the mommy lately. She bathes her and reads to her and teaches her that "bears say grrr". I come home from class, give her some love and put her down for a nap so I can study. We spend a couple hours together  after her nap cleaning and doing errands and playing a bit... then back to bed for her, and more work for me. Although I didnt plan my pregnancy with Nod, I was planning on being pregnant a couple months later, so I was planning things out for the mom job. I wanted kids so that I could be a mom, and now I feel like Im totally missing out on Nods life.
Im also a little sad to see everyone starting to get pregnant, or to talk about getting pregnant. Most of my friends with kids Nod's age are getting pregnant, or atleast have a plan for baby #2. I however "do not want another baby and I am perfectly happy not going through labour again" (probably a direct quote during these types of conversations).
 Yeah, uh huh... thats right. I dont want kids, mmmhmm... I'll just keep saying that and hoping I start to beleive it.
 If I *were* happily married though... hmm... maybe I would want to start talking about it. You know, cause she is almost one, so I could get pregnant in three months and Nod would be two when the baby came... or I could get pregnant in the spring (and avoid the third trimester being in the summer) and have #2 when Nod is a little older than 2... yeah, that would be nice.
If I were happily married that is. Married, yes... Happily, no. Divorce will be had before November for sure. Yeah, so I DONT want a baby, in case you were wondering. I don't remember exactly what labour was like, but i do remember telling myself to never do it again. Although, that was partially because I thought I'd be married to Dan forever and I knew that with our religion diffferences we shouldnt have any more children. Partially though it was from the pain... so I should just try to remember the pain. focus on it, cling to it... and maybe that will cure the baby fever that I dont have. *haha*
And, well, because Im not happily married I just have to wait. It would be stupid to tell Dan we should stay together despite our differences. It would be dumb to get pregnany again and *then* realise we should be divorced... being a single mom of two would be wicked hard.
I can wait until she is three, or four, or five... What?! 5! I do not want to wait that long! ARGH! ok, well, maybe I'll find a nice guy before she is two, be married before she is three... then maybe she wont be 5 before #2 comes... maybe.
Plus I have law school to think about... I want that right? To be educated... yes... so I should focus on that too. The pain of labour and the excitment of an education. hmph. I am going to b the worst date ever. the poor guy will be thinking "oh she has a nice face, and she is smart and maybe I should take her out again" and I'll be thinking "ok he's attractive and righteous and LETS GET MARRIED AND HAVE A BABY" haha... well i hope im not *that* bad. Maybe I should direct said future guy to my blog so he knows what he is gettin himself into by dating me. Or maybe not. haha
well, thats the end of that. I dont want a baby, I dont want to date (oh except that I *really really* do)... and Im not going to call up D and ask for him to stay with me.... no no no no no no no.
Goodbye World