I cant sleep. Isnt that terrible! I have so much to do everything is just floating in my mind and keeping me up... so I made a list on google docs, I ate some chocolate chips, and now I should *really* try going back to bed. Only I dont wanna. I get so hooked into this internet thing, and, and, and... well, Im just having a good night and I want to shout it out!
Ive noticed, finally, that Ive come pretty far from last year. I was such an unholy mess. My life was sleeping, eating, tending to Nod, crying over D... and then two fantastic girls saved me from my mess, L and K.
It began in the mothers room as I tried to learn the ropes of nursing, I told L a bit about D (who at this point had stopped going to church). They invited me over one day, and then kept inviting me. I started working out with K, I stopped sleeping in, I made better meals, my house was cleaner, I had something to look forward to. K and L, thanks x a million. You seriously had a major impact on my life. I wish I could be there with you guys still, but no such luck.
Instead, Ive made some great new friends. A.W. and K.C. These two also have saved me. Funny, this began in the nursing mothers room at church also. AW invited me to a playdate, where I met KC and felt an instant kinship with these women, and others like RL and JC. I was worried I wouldnt fit in because I didnt have a husband around, but they accepted me, flaws and all. These women kept me sane during the first 6 months of my seperation. Thanks Ladies, for your love and support
Now I would be silly to not mention my family here. My Mom, Dad, and sister C were also major players in my life change. My Parents accepted a screaming child and confused mother into their home, packed jam full like a can of sardines. They took me to court, blessed me with the priesthood, and paid for us to stay alive. C has also been there, with her words of wisdom, love and support. The day that my life crashed she was willing to offer a bed, and a shoulder, and some sound advice. Thanks C, you are a fantastic sister. And these arent the only family members who have helped! Back south my sisters all got together and helped pack up my half of everything, and My aunt MotheR Goose stored my things... and Here in the north Ive had more Aunts to watch Nod and cook meals and introduce me to the wards. Im very very blessed.
In the south there was also the support of great visiting teachers, next door neighbours, and of course Dee. Dee, Im so sorry I havent been to see you, but I love our chats and the support you have been for us. Thanks for the laughs, the love and the wisdom.
And as life sorts out here in Alberta, I find that things arent always as bad as they seem. I mean, some nights seem really hard, but they would be worse if I was back in the shoes of years past. Ive aged a decade this past year.
And I must throw some love to those who have kept me sane during these months of school. All those YSAers who accept and love both Nod and I without judgement, you guys rock. Asha, you are such a great friend, thank you for your help with essays and dating and how to dress ;) Kings, man I hope you didn't read this all, but if you did, You're the best dishwasher that my butter chicken cooking skills can buy! No seriously, You are an awesome friend, and you totally got me that A on my history paper :)
And dont let me forget, the parlour girls and their ridiculous letter writing society! Those construction paper cards left me laughing and crying. They were healing. Thanks Ladies
Oh, and a shout out to the many many many babysitters. Thanks.
And some love for Nod, who slept the whole time I wrote this blog. You are my light.
Thanks most of all go to the heavens. He is blessing me even when I do not deserve it. His love showers me, enfolds me, encircles me.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
Lucy*
Inside me you began
As a little seed
I would rock in my chair
You would kick around
Streching me out,
Your body inside mine, I grew
And when we moved,
It was together
You were mine
Because I created you
With you came worries
How would I teach you rest
And provide hind milk,
And warm your tiny hands
The nurse told me to hold you close
And skin to skin, you grew
And when we moved,
It was together
Maybe you were mine
Because I wanted you
Then the cold of winter came
With it was despair
We packed our little rocking chair
Half of our possesions
The car lulled you to sleep
Wet tears on my skin, the hurt grew
And when we moved,
It was together
Why ever did He give you me
What could I alone offer you?
Through Spring and Summer
We rocked in that chair
Cutting teeth, mending wounds
A long Fall, another Winter
You calming me as I had you
And skin to skin, we grew
And when we move,
It is together
He gave me you
Because I need you
To dream you
To love you
To be loved by you
For now by you alone
And inside me you grow
As a seed of testimony
Refining my weakness'
And proving Him to me
*So titled because Ive nicknamed her Lucy for some strange reason
As a little seed
I would rock in my chair
You would kick around
Streching me out,
Your body inside mine, I grew
And when we moved,
It was together
You were mine
Because I created you
With you came worries
How would I teach you rest
And provide hind milk,
And warm your tiny hands
The nurse told me to hold you close
And skin to skin, you grew
And when we moved,
It was together
Maybe you were mine
Because I wanted you
Then the cold of winter came
With it was despair
We packed our little rocking chair
Half of our possesions
The car lulled you to sleep
Wet tears on my skin, the hurt grew
And when we moved,
It was together
Why ever did He give you me
What could I alone offer you?
Through Spring and Summer
We rocked in that chair
Cutting teeth, mending wounds
A long Fall, another Winter
You calming me as I had you
And skin to skin, we grew
And when we move,
It is together
He gave me you
Because I need you
To dream you
To love you
To be loved by you
For now by you alone
And inside me you grow
As a seed of testimony
Refining my weakness'
And proving Him to me
*So titled because Ive nicknamed her Lucy for some strange reason
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Oh how I love her!!! (Photos of Nod at request)
Nod ws giving hugs and kisses to Bob the Builder... awww
One of the messes I have caught her in lately!!
Look Mom, Im driving!!!
With Grampa, he is her FAVORITE!
With Kingsley and Tigger
Look at that SMILE!!
Saturday, January 8, 2011
A work in progress
A work in progress... that could describe me, but it also describes this post. I keep editing it.
I was reading through some old blog posts (avoiding writing my Poli Sci assignment, *shh* dont tell) and I came across a few different sections that stuck out to me.I realised a few things. I noticed that I rush to judgement too quickly.
For instance... In my first week of Institute here, I complained about 4th branch. I felt like the members treated me like a lepar because I was different. Well, Ive got to take that back. The great thing about 4th branch is that *everyone* is different!! I feel so included now, and I owe that all to my friend Faws. He is an outgoing guy, with one foot in my world (he is a dad) and one foot in theirs (because he is a YSA). He reached out to me simply by including me in conversations about child support and parenting. One day while we were talking after institute, Nod kept dropping her soother. Faws made this fun competition to see who would be the first to pick it up for me. That is how I first became reaquainted with Kingsley. In that older blog post about institute, I had been upset that Kingsley had not ackowledged me because we had met years ago. However, I had not know that not only is he really shy, but also he did not recognize me (I do look quite different). After institute one night Faws invoted me to go out for cocoa with what became known as "The clique". Now, I did not come up with this name. Im an all inclusive type girl, but it seems that there were about 4 regulars that came to every party I threw, even when I invited more. Mack, Liss, Faws, and Kings. They have each become dear friends, and those girls have really helped lift my spirits. Through them I got to know everyone else in the branch. Nobody really cares that I have a baby, in fact she is here everytime they come over, and they invited me to bring her toboganning last week, and bowling this week. Great bunch of ppl here, and I just judged them too too fast.
Again about judging. The next section I found in my old posts was at a time when I was quick to judge someone to be good. Met this guy from the big city at a wedding in my town, thought he was great, found out he was merely human (aka the kind way of saying not great, -which is the kind way of saying terrible), and I wrote this post about "what to shop for" when dating. I said (and I quote) ..."And Im learning already! It seems that passing a safety inspection is not enough anymore... or maybe it was never enough and I just thought it was. I mean, just because a car can brake does not mean it has the horse power to speed out of a dangerous situation!! So I ask all sorts of questions, all the right questions too.. and so far Ive been given the right answers usually. At first I thought it was the answers that mattered, but that's what got me into trouble before!! A safety check is too easy, everyone knows what they are supposed to answer. D knew the right answers when we were dating, but that didnt mean he had his own real testimony of Christ." As I read this portion of my post, the portions I highlighted stood out to me again. Passing an inspection has never been enough- I was oh so wrong about that- most men that are raised in the church know what kind of answers to give. I think this is also where I went wrong with D. He talked the talk, but after we were married, it turned out taht he didnot walk the walk.
Oh and by ''inspection', I meant the list of questions, like does he go to church, is he an RM, does he sing, does he have a good job, blue eyes, want 6 kids... blah blah blah, whatever your preference. Well, just because a man/boy went on a mission doesnt mean he is wise, or responsible, or diligent or righteous. Does he know where the line is, and will he respect that line? Now thats a better question, one you tend to find out only by watching. Cause that "mustang convertible" that I mentioned, he gave me some great answers when we first met, cause, but when I watched he acted in a totally different way.
You see, later on in a different post I say this "Also also also also... I met a minivan... I think... hahaha ;) of course, there isnt anything going on... just a friend who i keep learning more about. Im definatley liking everything I learn. I geuss meeting someone who isnt a total retard has made me excited about the prospect of dating. Sure I'd like to go on a date with this minivan, but its not even that, its that now i want to go on dates... many... because I feel this new hope that *he* is out there... somewhere." PFFFFFFT minivan? Sure he was my aunts hometeacher, but he was NOT a nice safe, righteous guy! He knew the right answers, he knew how to make himself look good, but he was simply manipulative and bad. Again, through observation I got to know this before too long.
Another thing I learned from reading my blog, is that I talk about men and dating TOOOOO much. Or is it? Well it sure is a lot! Since my separation I have mentioned 1.)Mr Met at a wedding 2.)Mr. My Aunts Home Teacher 3.)Faws (the Dad) 4.)Kingsley. Now only 75% of that list did I think of dating, there was one who was always just a friend... and there is another one who has yet to fail my list. But that doesnt mean I need to ramble about them on here now does it?
Well, its a good place to put my ideas, even if the whole world *could* read them... Im sure they dont. I only have 30 followers, and maybe along they way they learn a thing or two, like hmm... what have you learned?
Well I dont know, better question is, what have I learned? Does hindsight give me better vision for the future?
Well, there is only one from that list that is current. Kingsley, probably one of my bestest friends right now. Things have been different with him, a good different. Partially because I took my time getting to know him, partially because he wasnt as inherintly evil as others and could not be tossed out as easily.
My girlfriend, Peru, taught me of a thing called "dissinterest". Caring for someones well-being, but not for their romance. Correct me if Im wrong on that definition Peru... I feel I am doing alright in this aspect with Kings. I notice that he has not failed me, but I try not to get caught up in feelings of romance. I try to be logical, and enjoy the friendship. I guess his mom says that people our age can never be 'just friends'. From the amount I talk about him I bet my Mom would say the same. But I havent asked the tough questions yet, so I remain partially removed. The tough questions would be the ones I neglected when dating D- sacrifice, hard work, testimony, weakness. Im not sure when to ask these intense questions.
Its not like you can bring up chastity on a first date, well, if you can, let me know now! In fact, some things you may only ever bring up indirectly, but some answers you may only get if you directly ask. How the heck do you do that? help me out here sisters!! Whom of you think you have a fantastic husband, and how did you get him? I mean, partially its living the right way, being able to attract the right kind of guy... but some questions just have to be asked, and Im not sure how or when. I want to ask now, I dont want to have fallen in love by the time I find out he has the same issues as D. That would be killer. (btw, when I say 'he' Im not referring to a specific someone, just any eventual 'him')
Which brings me to my final quote from myself "I am going to b the worst date ever. the poor guy will be thinking 'oh she has a nice face, and she is smart and maybe I should take her out again' and I'll be thinking 'ok he's attractive and righteous and LETS GET MARRIED AND HAVE A BABY' haha... well i hope im not *that* bad. Maybe I should direct said future guy to my blog so he knows what he is gettin himself into by dating me. Or maybe not. haha"... Haha, well, perhaps directing said guy to this blog post would be an easy answer. I could post the tough questions right here!!
Orrrr maybe not. The thing about this quote is that I really do feel like Im being more picky than others. I need to be picky, but I feel like its going to be annoying for whomever I date. Even Kingsley, for instance, doesnt seem as picky as I am in the girls he wants to date.
and long story short, Nod is awake, after many edits, this is still a massive rambling journal online. Enjoy, or not.
XO
Wink ;)
I was reading through some old blog posts (avoiding writing my Poli Sci assignment, *shh* dont tell) and I came across a few different sections that stuck out to me.I realised a few things. I noticed that I rush to judgement too quickly.
For instance... In my first week of Institute here, I complained about 4th branch. I felt like the members treated me like a lepar because I was different. Well, Ive got to take that back. The great thing about 4th branch is that *everyone* is different!! I feel so included now, and I owe that all to my friend Faws. He is an outgoing guy, with one foot in my world (he is a dad) and one foot in theirs (because he is a YSA). He reached out to me simply by including me in conversations about child support and parenting. One day while we were talking after institute, Nod kept dropping her soother. Faws made this fun competition to see who would be the first to pick it up for me. That is how I first became reaquainted with Kingsley. In that older blog post about institute, I had been upset that Kingsley had not ackowledged me because we had met years ago. However, I had not know that not only is he really shy, but also he did not recognize me (I do look quite different). After institute one night Faws invoted me to go out for cocoa with what became known as "The clique". Now, I did not come up with this name. Im an all inclusive type girl, but it seems that there were about 4 regulars that came to every party I threw, even when I invited more. Mack, Liss, Faws, and Kings. They have each become dear friends, and those girls have really helped lift my spirits. Through them I got to know everyone else in the branch. Nobody really cares that I have a baby, in fact she is here everytime they come over, and they invited me to bring her toboganning last week, and bowling this week. Great bunch of ppl here, and I just judged them too too fast.
Again about judging. The next section I found in my old posts was at a time when I was quick to judge someone to be good. Met this guy from the big city at a wedding in my town, thought he was great, found out he was merely human (aka the kind way of saying not great, -which is the kind way of saying terrible), and I wrote this post about "what to shop for" when dating. I said (and I quote) ..."And Im learning already! It seems that passing a safety inspection is not enough anymore... or maybe it was never enough and I just thought it was. I mean, just because a car can brake does not mean it has the horse power to speed out of a dangerous situation!! So I ask all sorts of questions, all the right questions too.. and so far Ive been given the right answers usually. At first I thought it was the answers that mattered, but that's what got me into trouble before!! A safety check is too easy, everyone knows what they are supposed to answer. D knew the right answers when we were dating, but that didnt mean he had his own real testimony of Christ." As I read this portion of my post, the portions I highlighted stood out to me again. Passing an inspection has never been enough- I was oh so wrong about that- most men that are raised in the church know what kind of answers to give. I think this is also where I went wrong with D. He talked the talk, but after we were married, it turned out taht he didnot walk the walk.
Oh and by ''inspection', I meant the list of questions, like does he go to church, is he an RM, does he sing, does he have a good job, blue eyes, want 6 kids... blah blah blah, whatever your preference. Well, just because a man/boy went on a mission doesnt mean he is wise, or responsible, or diligent or righteous. Does he know where the line is, and will he respect that line? Now thats a better question, one you tend to find out only by watching. Cause that "mustang convertible" that I mentioned, he gave me some great answers when we first met, cause, but when I watched he acted in a totally different way.
You see, later on in a different post I say this "Also also also also... I met a minivan... I think... hahaha ;) of course, there isnt anything going on... just a friend who i keep learning more about. Im definatley liking everything I learn. I geuss meeting someone who isnt a total retard has made me excited about the prospect of dating. Sure I'd like to go on a date with this minivan, but its not even that, its that now i want to go on dates... many... because I feel this new hope that *he* is out there... somewhere." PFFFFFFT minivan? Sure he was my aunts hometeacher, but he was NOT a nice safe, righteous guy! He knew the right answers, he knew how to make himself look good, but he was simply manipulative and bad. Again, through observation I got to know this before too long.
Another thing I learned from reading my blog, is that I talk about men and dating TOOOOO much. Or is it? Well it sure is a lot! Since my separation I have mentioned 1.)Mr Met at a wedding 2.)Mr. My Aunts Home Teacher 3.)Faws (the Dad) 4.)Kingsley. Now only 75% of that list did I think of dating, there was one who was always just a friend... and there is another one who has yet to fail my list. But that doesnt mean I need to ramble about them on here now does it?
Well, its a good place to put my ideas, even if the whole world *could* read them... Im sure they dont. I only have 30 followers, and maybe along they way they learn a thing or two, like hmm... what have you learned?
Well I dont know, better question is, what have I learned? Does hindsight give me better vision for the future?
Well, there is only one from that list that is current. Kingsley, probably one of my bestest friends right now. Things have been different with him, a good different. Partially because I took my time getting to know him, partially because he wasnt as inherintly evil as others and could not be tossed out as easily.
My girlfriend, Peru, taught me of a thing called "dissinterest". Caring for someones well-being, but not for their romance. Correct me if Im wrong on that definition Peru... I feel I am doing alright in this aspect with Kings. I notice that he has not failed me, but I try not to get caught up in feelings of romance. I try to be logical, and enjoy the friendship. I guess his mom says that people our age can never be 'just friends'. From the amount I talk about him I bet my Mom would say the same. But I havent asked the tough questions yet, so I remain partially removed. The tough questions would be the ones I neglected when dating D- sacrifice, hard work, testimony, weakness. Im not sure when to ask these intense questions.
Its not like you can bring up chastity on a first date, well, if you can, let me know now! In fact, some things you may only ever bring up indirectly, but some answers you may only get if you directly ask. How the heck do you do that? help me out here sisters!! Whom of you think you have a fantastic husband, and how did you get him? I mean, partially its living the right way, being able to attract the right kind of guy... but some questions just have to be asked, and Im not sure how or when. I want to ask now, I dont want to have fallen in love by the time I find out he has the same issues as D. That would be killer. (btw, when I say 'he' Im not referring to a specific someone, just any eventual 'him')
Which brings me to my final quote from myself "I am going to b the worst date ever. the poor guy will be thinking 'oh she has a nice face, and she is smart and maybe I should take her out again' and I'll be thinking 'ok he's attractive and righteous and LETS GET MARRIED AND HAVE A BABY' haha... well i hope im not *that* bad. Maybe I should direct said future guy to my blog so he knows what he is gettin himself into by dating me. Or maybe not. haha"... Haha, well, perhaps directing said guy to this blog post would be an easy answer. I could post the tough questions right here!!
Orrrr maybe not. The thing about this quote is that I really do feel like Im being more picky than others. I need to be picky, but I feel like its going to be annoying for whomever I date. Even Kingsley, for instance, doesnt seem as picky as I am in the girls he wants to date.
and long story short, Nod is awake, after many edits, this is still a massive rambling journal online. Enjoy, or not.
XO
Wink ;)
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Happy New Years!!
...and happy New Years Resolution: Day 1.
My resolution this year is to give up FB for at least one month. If I go back in February I will be on a max of two hours per week or something, cause in 2010 I was on for more than 2 hours a day. I need to be a better Mommy than that! However, Nod is sleeping right now, and Im *craving* my FB fix!!! EEK! I can do anything, and I know I can do this, but I have had to make a concerted effort to NOT think in status updates all day!!
Gratitudes today? I was so spoi... erm... 'blessed' this Christmas. I got presents that I needed, and some that I simply wanted (and some I didnt even know I wanted until I got them)! Today I got to spend my Body Shop gift card, which was super fun! I love being able to shop for myself, and it doesnt happen often! I got to shop with my sister in law Kay, and man is she ever great! She looped her arm in mine and we wandered down the halls of the nearly abandoned mall. It was a small gesture from her, but it meant a lot to me! Thanks Kay, and Thanks to everyone who contributed to our fabulous Christmas!
Favorite Christmas gifts (in no particular order)? Painting of the Eiffel tower, The game of Life in French, Piano Lessons, my picture frames filled with photos, Nods little rocking horse and owl. Thanks guys :)
Favorite Christmas memories? Dancing with my little-big brother Jack. It was actually at the New Years eve dance. He had seriously offended me before Christmas, and well, our relationship has been rocky since D introduced him to the anti-religionist ways, and since Jack itroduced D to drugs and alchohol. I know both things were bound to happen, but it hurt me nonetheless. Well, someone crazy suggested we dance, and grudgingly I said yes... until... He apologized. it was a Christmas miracle. I know I *should* have forgiven him without the apology, but Im not perfect yet! Anyways, that was nice.
Another favorite (though it srsly annoyed me at the time) was when little Nod chased Grampa around the house saying MAMAMAMA! Haha, we're trying to teach her to say Pa, she loves him so much!
and a little about Nod. She sure is growing fast, she walks, and says a few words, and signs a little. She can sign 'more', and 'all done', and sometimes she'll do 'please' and 'thankyou'. She waves hi and bye. She understands more and more of what I say, like "where is the such-and-such" "where is so-and-so'" and "do you like that"... She nods for yes and shakes for no, she does some actions for "if youre happy and you know it" and dances anytime music is on, even just the TV, she loves to sing along with the radio, or even without it. She says Ball, and Book, though they sound very similar. She says animal sounds like quack, and arf arf, moo, and grr. She doesnt sleep through the night, but she does sleep, so thats good! She knows how to unscrew things like lipgloss, and how to open lotion bottles (yes, very messy!), and she loves to fish around in the toilet (so I like to shut that door!). Just today I showed her how to fold her arms for prayer, and she began to walk around the house with her arms folded! Oh, and my favorites... She gives hugs and kisses and pets your head when asked to be gentle! She hasnt learned to say Papa (my Dad) yet, but it does sound like she says Ammy (Grammy for my mom), and she hasnt figured out Dadda... well, okay, not true, she said Dad once, but it wasnt to D, and Im fine with that! He hasnt put in much effort to be a Dad financially, and one day she will have someone else to call Dadda.
Uh oh, Nod just ate a hot pepper... *back to life again*
xo
Wink
My resolution this year is to give up FB for at least one month. If I go back in February I will be on a max of two hours per week or something, cause in 2010 I was on for more than 2 hours a day. I need to be a better Mommy than that! However, Nod is sleeping right now, and Im *craving* my FB fix!!! EEK! I can do anything, and I know I can do this, but I have had to make a concerted effort to NOT think in status updates all day!!
Gratitudes today? I was so spoi... erm... 'blessed' this Christmas. I got presents that I needed, and some that I simply wanted (and some I didnt even know I wanted until I got them)! Today I got to spend my Body Shop gift card, which was super fun! I love being able to shop for myself, and it doesnt happen often! I got to shop with my sister in law Kay, and man is she ever great! She looped her arm in mine and we wandered down the halls of the nearly abandoned mall. It was a small gesture from her, but it meant a lot to me! Thanks Kay, and Thanks to everyone who contributed to our fabulous Christmas!
Favorite Christmas gifts (in no particular order)? Painting of the Eiffel tower, The game of Life in French, Piano Lessons, my picture frames filled with photos, Nods little rocking horse and owl. Thanks guys :)
Favorite Christmas memories? Dancing with my little-big brother Jack. It was actually at the New Years eve dance. He had seriously offended me before Christmas, and well, our relationship has been rocky since D introduced him to the anti-religionist ways, and since Jack itroduced D to drugs and alchohol. I know both things were bound to happen, but it hurt me nonetheless. Well, someone crazy suggested we dance, and grudgingly I said yes... until... He apologized. it was a Christmas miracle. I know I *should* have forgiven him without the apology, but Im not perfect yet! Anyways, that was nice.
Another favorite (though it srsly annoyed me at the time) was when little Nod chased Grampa around the house saying MAMAMAMA! Haha, we're trying to teach her to say Pa, she loves him so much!
and a little about Nod. She sure is growing fast, she walks, and says a few words, and signs a little. She can sign 'more', and 'all done', and sometimes she'll do 'please' and 'thankyou'. She waves hi and bye. She understands more and more of what I say, like "where is the such-and-such" "where is so-and-so'" and "do you like that"... She nods for yes and shakes for no, she does some actions for "if youre happy and you know it" and dances anytime music is on, even just the TV, she loves to sing along with the radio, or even without it. She says Ball, and Book, though they sound very similar. She says animal sounds like quack, and arf arf, moo, and grr. She doesnt sleep through the night, but she does sleep, so thats good! She knows how to unscrew things like lipgloss, and how to open lotion bottles (yes, very messy!), and she loves to fish around in the toilet (so I like to shut that door!). Just today I showed her how to fold her arms for prayer, and she began to walk around the house with her arms folded! Oh, and my favorites... She gives hugs and kisses and pets your head when asked to be gentle! She hasnt learned to say Papa (my Dad) yet, but it does sound like she says Ammy (Grammy for my mom), and she hasnt figured out Dadda... well, okay, not true, she said Dad once, but it wasnt to D, and Im fine with that! He hasnt put in much effort to be a Dad financially, and one day she will have someone else to call Dadda.
Uh oh, Nod just ate a hot pepper... *back to life again*
xo
Wink
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