Just thinking here. Not having the best week ever. I just really miss my life. I miss having a best friend/partner/love! Nod is having a tough time sleeping, which also leaves me sleep deprived... And I wish I had a husband to take a shift! D was always so good at that kinda thing... Well not so good at calming her down, but good at giving me a break.
I also miss having someone to lay in bed with and talk to at night. It's a lonely life now. Brosie is cute and fun, but the only word she can say is "dada" which is actually quite depressing for me.
Gosh, I hate complaining. I need to get over this! You know what? Everyone has it hard! That's the way life is supposed to be! I read recently "happiness depends on our responses to the difficulties in life". So true! Happiness comes from within... We all have these difficulties... my job is to learn to overcome this trial!
The other day I made some comment on facebook about missing my life. Nine of my friends responded to it encouraging me... and ya know what... None of them have it easy! Three of them have been single moms, atleast three others suffer from depression, two have children with dissabilities, one has an extremly sick and unhappy toddler, one had to place a baby for adoption, and one recently lost her mother. None of their trials are any easier than mine. I don't really want to trade places with them.
Divorce, or being "alone" is the one thing I never thought I could do. I contemplated it a year ago (when things first changed for D), but thought that even if it was the right thing, it was impossible for me. What a blessing this is for me! Now I will be able to know that I can do anything. I really can... With the Lord of course. He makes me stronger than imaginable. Now I cannot doubt His power, for He has lifted me through. The Savior has given me wings. What a blessing that my testimony is able to grow like this.
Now this is more like it! This is the right attitude. *sigh* sorry if I was all over the place with this post, I just had to write myself through this. I guess I could go edit now, but I like it this way. Rough and uncut, the real me.
In conclusion? Yeah I still miss D and my old life. I miss my friends back there, my sisters, my ward, and those darn cute kids next door! But, it's worth it. Its worth giving up all of that to know my Savior better. I just need to remember this post when the down times come, as I'm sure they will.
How are you getting to know your Savior better? I'd love to hear... Post a comment!!
Your strength is remarkable, Elizabeth. It's okay to be a little sad and even depressed about what you're going through. Divorce is one of the hardest things to go through, especially when you are a parent on top of it. Yes, everyone goes through trials. And yes, on the outside other people's trials may look remarkably difficult and much worse than your own, but we are only give that which we can bear, right? Other people go through terrible things too-- but it doesn't make what you're going through any less difficult for YOU. I'm glad you are writing through this, blogs make a great sounding board! I understand that feeling of "what happened to my other life? How did I get here?!" It's okay to mourn it, because it is a loss. But like you have been able to see you are also gaining so much. No one would choose to go through a trial, but I find that for most people it is the only way we are able to humble ourselves enough to open our hearts to our Savior's great love and counsel. You know my situation and when I was at my lowest, my relationship with the Savior was the strongest it has ever been. Pray often. Talk with him. Pour out your heart and your sorrows-- but also your joys. I find that in taking the time to really appreciate little Daniel and to interact and engage in him I feel closest to the Savior. I know that Brosie isn't a replacement for a companion though, and that is difficult. You will get through this, and you will feel even more happiness than you did with D when the Lord feels you are ready to be blessed with another companion. I love you and rememeber to "behold your little one".
ReplyDeleteThanks E... Today Im thinking a lot about that "behold your little one"... babies sure are healing hey? Miss and Love you
ReplyDeleteI am glad to see that you are finally updating your blog! :D We think about you two and hope that all is going well for you. Your's is definitely not an envious situation to be in, but you are doing remarkably well. It makes me happy to know that you have family and friends to take care of you during this trying time.
ReplyDeleteYou asked how you turn to the Lord. That is a deep question that I think would take more space than a comment on a blog to answer, but something that has helped me out recently is that when I read the scriptures I find some principle that I can apply to me that day (or the next depending on when I read) then I write it in my planner as a goal and I am focused on that application. Then at the end of the day I see how that has blessed me! It is great.
Well we sincerely hope that all is going well for you and B.