My crazy profile has now had over 120 views, and out of the 17 messages Ive received, only ONE was a worthy reply to my bedazzling profile
...
and I just *have* to share this with you.
"Albeit it was a pile of lies comparing in height to the Himalayas, the first part of your greeting was rather enjoyable to read. I would be concerned, however, were my pancreas to suddenly wax verbose as it would be something of a trick to quiet it down (not knowing quite how it would inherit vocal capabilities in the first place).
Do you suppose that adding the contents of the toilet bowl (which hopefully would be water in the critical moment) to the two week water storage supply might have advantageous effects in the teeth whitening arena?
Anyways, I'm over 30, both my spleen and pancreas are mute as far as I know (unless they are the strong silent type), and if you were to barrage me with compliments 1,117 times a day that averages out to about 1 encouraging word every minute and 30 seconds which would make it very difficult to get anything done, might "encourage" me to jump off of a very tall building, and would be all in all quite wearisome, besides this is a crazy-long run on sentence probably bereft of proper grammar and punctuation, how could you possibly live with this barbaric use of the English language?
I just figured a greeting worthy of an enjoyable read ought to solicit an interesting message every now and then, but lets face it, I hate having fun, and am looking for a total loser with 0 direction in their life and a mustache.
the end"
*that was from Leonardo Michealangelo (Leo from now on)*
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Online Profile
For those of you who didnt read this on facebook, Id like to share a good laugh... srsly, go to the bathroom *before* reading... we dont need to have any accidents! haha... its *that* funny!!
I cannot take credit for the hillarity and whit you will soon be enjoying... nope... this, my friends, is the handy work of the talented Asha (or so she shall be called for the purposes of my blog)... Though I will take credit for some small portion of it ;)
Did you go to the bathroom?
Are you sitting down?
Are you ready for a good ab work out?
Then you've come to the right place...
Read on...
I cannot take credit for the hillarity and whit you will soon be enjoying... nope... this, my friends, is the handy work of the talented Asha (or so she shall be called for the purposes of my blog)... Though I will take credit for some small portion of it ;)
Did you go to the bathroom?
Are you sitting down?
Are you ready for a good ab work out?
Then you've come to the right place...
Read on...
I am a Gold-medal winning gymnast with a neanderthal heritage and a fantastic upper hand punch. I drink vinegar to make me saucy and eat flowers for breakfast. My best friends are Care Bears, especially Sir Care-a-Lot because he cares a lot. And I like that. I am extremely righteous in all the best ways and very fun-loving in all the best ways. Which makes me like every other girl on here who all "loooove fun!" And isn't that a relief when you were concerned that we might hate fun? Nope. No fun hating here. Love it. But righteously, of course.
Also, it's apparently popular to love the outdoors, so I love that, too.
I have the body of a goddess, or-- what did I say? Oh, yes. An Olympic gymnast. Right. That. I cook like Nigella Lawson and she may think she can lick a spoon but nothing like me. I can lick a spoon. I run faster than rain and can give a massage so well that your pancreas will squeak, "Thank you, Nigella!" to which I'll say back, "I'm better than Nigella, remember?" Unless you've had your pancreas removed, in which case I'll hope that your spleen speaks English, too. Most spleens do but some only speak Icelandic and, like, who speaks Icelandic? I can't be bothered what with my Latin and Turkish studies that keep me busy. But not too busy to take care of you. Yes, back to You... Brad/Mike/Mark/Bobby/Derek/Bryan/Jer emy/Tyler? I think you're amazing!!! Yes, just like on The Bachelorette and every other reality show ever to feature illiterate 20-somethings: You are AMAZING. And I will tell you 238 times a day. Because good men are hard to find and you need a good woman who will see your worth and tell it to you. 354 times a day. I will set up iPhone alerts to remind me in between all the vacuuming and scrubbing that toilet so clean that it can double as part of our two week water storage supply. No woman will keep your home cleaner, not even Fly Lady. No lady is flyer than me. Im fly for you honey, Dont forget, you're the best thing that ever happened to me, and I will remind you of that 525 times a day.
I'm looking for a baby daddy who is not too tall and not to short, not too skinny and not too chubby. He should speak more than one language (preferrably Icelandic so he can interpret his spleen for me) (unless he doesn't value his spleen enough to care, I do realise it's not most men's first favourite organ), have a PhD in something romantic, speak with a British accent, cook well, be absolutely hilarious and witty (and brilliant enough to know that those words don't mean the same thing) (which you'd think he would be if he has a PhD), and be able to fix anything. He should play several instruments, including the Lyre and the whiskers of a substantially large raccoon, and like many genres of music, especially of the raccoon variety. He should write poetry that makes Shakespeare cry out in envy all the way from the Spirit World, and be built like a Fifa World Cup football player. He should be able to carve fine chain link jewellery out of bamboo and should be able to knit me a cableknit sweater worthy of jaunts in Irish sheep-besotted countrysides.
That is all.
Also, it's apparently popular to love the outdoors, so I love that, too.
I have the body of a goddess, or-- what did I say? Oh, yes. An Olympic gymnast. Right. That. I cook like Nigella Lawson and she may think she can lick a spoon but nothing like me. I can lick a spoon. I run faster than rain and can give a massage so well that your pancreas will squeak, "Thank you, Nigella!" to which I'll say back, "I'm better than Nigella, remember?" Unless you've had your pancreas removed, in which case I'll hope that your spleen speaks English, too. Most spleens do but some only speak Icelandic and, like, who speaks Icelandic? I can't be bothered what with my Latin and Turkish studies that keep me busy. But not too busy to take care of you. Yes, back to You... Brad/Mike/Mark/Bobby/Derek/Bryan/Jer emy/Tyler? I think you're amazing!!! Yes, just like on The Bachelorette and every other reality show ever to feature illiterate 20-somethings: You are AMAZING. And I will tell you 238 times a day. Because good men are hard to find and you need a good woman who will see your worth and tell it to you. 354 times a day. I will set up iPhone alerts to remind me in between all the vacuuming and scrubbing that toilet so clean that it can double as part of our two week water storage supply. No woman will keep your home cleaner, not even Fly Lady. No lady is flyer than me. Im fly for you honey, Dont forget, you're the best thing that ever happened to me, and I will remind you of that 525 times a day.
I'm looking for a baby daddy who is not too tall and not to short, not too skinny and not too chubby. He should speak more than one language (preferrably Icelandic so he can interpret his spleen for me) (unless he doesn't value his spleen enough to care, I do realise it's not most men's first favourite organ), have a PhD in something romantic, speak with a British accent, cook well, be absolutely hilarious and witty (and brilliant enough to know that those words don't mean the same thing) (which you'd think he would be if he has a PhD), and be able to fix anything. He should play several instruments, including the Lyre and the whiskers of a substantially large raccoon, and like many genres of music, especially of the raccoon variety. He should write poetry that makes Shakespeare cry out in envy all the way from the Spirit World, and be built like a Fifa World Cup football player. He should be able to carve fine chain link jewellery out of bamboo and should be able to knit me a cableknit sweater worthy of jaunts in Irish sheep-besotted countrysides.
That is all.
Sharing Secrets
I wrote this august 27th, its not that great, but I didnt want to lose it so I thought Id share it on my blog... maybe I'll do more writing now that Im in school... and hopefully it will get better.
Sharing the Kitchen
Cleaning comes easy to me now
a simple drop of soap
and a brush of my wrinkled hand
a fork, a knife
a white corelle plate
a rinse under cool water
as clean as new life
as new
until i get to those old pans
rusting in a soapy mess
suds slowly wetting the grainy grime
everything sticks to them
blackening, burning
i dread pulling the plug
dare I enter that dirty world
i avoid looking, touching
they need a good scrub
those old pans you left
you should have kept them
you share too much
Sharing the Kitchen
Cleaning comes easy to me now
a simple drop of soap
and a brush of my wrinkled hand
a fork, a knife
a white corelle plate
a rinse under cool water
as clean as new life
as new
until i get to those old pans
rusting in a soapy mess
suds slowly wetting the grainy grime
everything sticks to them
blackening, burning
i dread pulling the plug
dare I enter that dirty world
i avoid looking, touching
they need a good scrub
those old pans you left
you should have kept them
you share too much
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Who are You?
My English Prof asked us to write an autobiography paragraph... he said "who are you, that is they key question", but he didnt take it in for marks! I was bummed, cause I like mine... So Im posting it here... kinda boring, but I get a kick out of it
Who are you? That is the key question according to my English Professor, Dr. M, who had the idea for my autobiography paragraph. 3 words, simple enough language, but an idea that takes some people an entire lifetime to discover. As far as knowledge is concerned, I know a fair amount about my life, having lived it. I know I was born in Edmonton, 19**, to a large christian family in the dead of winter. I soent 16 years "growing up", as they say, in a small town. Learning in those years to talk, walk, read, write, grow, stop writing, refuse to read, walk away, talk back, and then grow again. I know I moved on to University, got married, got pregnant, got separated, and moved back home. Amognst all these experiences, who am I really? Who have I become? Who have I always been? One thing remains constant; I am a daughter of God. That is what I have always been. I am a mother, a student, and a friend. That is what I have beome. Other than that I am a work in progress. Constantly changing, adapting, growing, shrinking, gaining, losing. I am just as you are. I am me.
xo
Who are you? That is the key question according to my English Professor, Dr. M, who had the idea for my autobiography paragraph. 3 words, simple enough language, but an idea that takes some people an entire lifetime to discover. As far as knowledge is concerned, I know a fair amount about my life, having lived it. I know I was born in Edmonton, 19**, to a large christian family in the dead of winter. I soent 16 years "growing up", as they say, in a small town. Learning in those years to talk, walk, read, write, grow, stop writing, refuse to read, walk away, talk back, and then grow again. I know I moved on to University, got married, got pregnant, got separated, and moved back home. Amognst all these experiences, who am I really? Who have I become? Who have I always been? One thing remains constant; I am a daughter of God. That is what I have always been. I am a mother, a student, and a friend. That is what I have beome. Other than that I am a work in progress. Constantly changing, adapting, growing, shrinking, gaining, losing. I am just as you are. I am me.
xo
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Hello Blog-Following World.
Life is pretty much busy busy busy for us now. I have a little video work, a lot of school work, and an almost toddler to take care of. Nod is up and down and always trying harder everyday to figure out how to make those legs work to her advantage! Her favorite thing to do is get dressed up. She digs all the beaded necklaces out of her toy box and puts them on herself, then takes them off, and puts them back on again. She takes off her socks, and trys like heck to get them back on... and she really likes to take out my earrings and put them on her head... haha. Im loving watching her grow.
Still, I can't help but wonder what it would be like to do the stay-at-home mom thing. To be with her all day, playing with her, making all the meals and cleaning the house and giving the baths. I dont really feel like im her primary caretaker. Miss(the sitter) seems to be the mommy lately. She bathes her and reads to her and teaches her that "bears say grrr". I come home from class, give her some love and put her down for a nap so I can study. We spend a couple hours together after her nap cleaning and doing errands and playing a bit... then back to bed for her, and more work for me. Although I didnt plan my pregnancy with Nod, I was planning on being pregnant a couple months later, so I was planning things out for the mom job. I wanted kids so that I could be a mom, and now I feel like Im totally missing out on Nods life.
Im also a little sad to see everyone starting to get pregnant, or to talk about getting pregnant. Most of my friends with kids Nod's age are getting pregnant, or atleast have a plan for baby #2. I however "do not want another baby and I am perfectly happy not going through labour again" (probably a direct quote during these types of conversations).
Yeah, uh huh... thats right. I dont want kids, mmmhmm... I'll just keep saying that and hoping I start to beleive it.
If I *were* happily married though... hmm... maybe I would want to start talking about it. You know, cause she is almost one, so I could get pregnant in three months and Nod would be two when the baby came... or I could get pregnant in the spring (and avoid the third trimester being in the summer) and have #2 when Nod is a little older than 2... yeah, that would be nice.
If I were happily married that is. Married, yes... Happily, no. Divorce will be had before November for sure. Yeah, so I DONT want a baby, in case you were wondering. I don't remember exactly what labour was like, but i do remember telling myself to never do it again. Although, that was partially because I thought I'd be married to Dan forever and I knew that with our religion diffferences we shouldnt have any more children. Partially though it was from the pain... so I should just try to remember the pain. focus on it, cling to it... and maybe that will cure the baby fever that I dont have. *haha*
And, well, because Im not happily married I just have to wait. It would be stupid to tell Dan we should stay together despite our differences. It would be dumb to get pregnany again and *then* realise we should be divorced... being a single mom of two would be wicked hard.
I can wait until she is three, or four, or five... What?! 5! I do not want to wait that long! ARGH! ok, well, maybe I'll find a nice guy before she is two, be married before she is three... then maybe she wont be 5 before #2 comes... maybe.
Plus I have law school to think about... I want that right? To be educated... yes... so I should focus on that too. The pain of labour and the excitment of an education. hmph. I am going to b the worst date ever. the poor guy will be thinking "oh she has a nice face, and she is smart and maybe I should take her out again" and I'll be thinking "ok he's attractive and righteous and LETS GET MARRIED AND HAVE A BABY" haha... well i hope im not *that* bad. Maybe I should direct said future guy to my blog so he knows what he is gettin himself into by dating me. Or maybe not. haha
well, thats the end of that. I dont want a baby, I dont want to date (oh except that I *really really* do)... and Im not going to call up D and ask for him to stay with me.... no no no no no no no.
Goodbye World
Life is pretty much busy busy busy for us now. I have a little video work, a lot of school work, and an almost toddler to take care of. Nod is up and down and always trying harder everyday to figure out how to make those legs work to her advantage! Her favorite thing to do is get dressed up. She digs all the beaded necklaces out of her toy box and puts them on herself, then takes them off, and puts them back on again. She takes off her socks, and trys like heck to get them back on... and she really likes to take out my earrings and put them on her head... haha. Im loving watching her grow.
Still, I can't help but wonder what it would be like to do the stay-at-home mom thing. To be with her all day, playing with her, making all the meals and cleaning the house and giving the baths. I dont really feel like im her primary caretaker. Miss(the sitter) seems to be the mommy lately. She bathes her and reads to her and teaches her that "bears say grrr". I come home from class, give her some love and put her down for a nap so I can study. We spend a couple hours together after her nap cleaning and doing errands and playing a bit... then back to bed for her, and more work for me. Although I didnt plan my pregnancy with Nod, I was planning on being pregnant a couple months later, so I was planning things out for the mom job. I wanted kids so that I could be a mom, and now I feel like Im totally missing out on Nods life.
Im also a little sad to see everyone starting to get pregnant, or to talk about getting pregnant. Most of my friends with kids Nod's age are getting pregnant, or atleast have a plan for baby #2. I however "do not want another baby and I am perfectly happy not going through labour again" (probably a direct quote during these types of conversations).
Yeah, uh huh... thats right. I dont want kids, mmmhmm... I'll just keep saying that and hoping I start to beleive it.
If I *were* happily married though... hmm... maybe I would want to start talking about it. You know, cause she is almost one, so I could get pregnant in three months and Nod would be two when the baby came... or I could get pregnant in the spring (and avoid the third trimester being in the summer) and have #2 when Nod is a little older than 2... yeah, that would be nice.
If I were happily married that is. Married, yes... Happily, no. Divorce will be had before November for sure. Yeah, so I DONT want a baby, in case you were wondering. I don't remember exactly what labour was like, but i do remember telling myself to never do it again. Although, that was partially because I thought I'd be married to Dan forever and I knew that with our religion diffferences we shouldnt have any more children. Partially though it was from the pain... so I should just try to remember the pain. focus on it, cling to it... and maybe that will cure the baby fever that I dont have. *haha*
And, well, because Im not happily married I just have to wait. It would be stupid to tell Dan we should stay together despite our differences. It would be dumb to get pregnany again and *then* realise we should be divorced... being a single mom of two would be wicked hard.
I can wait until she is three, or four, or five... What?! 5! I do not want to wait that long! ARGH! ok, well, maybe I'll find a nice guy before she is two, be married before she is three... then maybe she wont be 5 before #2 comes... maybe.
Plus I have law school to think about... I want that right? To be educated... yes... so I should focus on that too. The pain of labour and the excitment of an education. hmph. I am going to b the worst date ever. the poor guy will be thinking "oh she has a nice face, and she is smart and maybe I should take her out again" and I'll be thinking "ok he's attractive and righteous and LETS GET MARRIED AND HAVE A BABY" haha... well i hope im not *that* bad. Maybe I should direct said future guy to my blog so he knows what he is gettin himself into by dating me. Or maybe not. haha
well, thats the end of that. I dont want a baby, I dont want to date (oh except that I *really really* do)... and Im not going to call up D and ask for him to stay with me.... no no no no no no no.
Goodbye World
Monday, September 13, 2010
Oh the Dictionary!
Has anyone ever played balderdash? I love that game... you come up with random definitions for wacky words, and then you get to hear the real definition. Well, I read the word "Empirical" in my Poli Sci text book... I have used and read this word before, but not in the context I was now reading it. So I looked it up ion the Oxford English Dictionary (online too ^_^ isnt that cool?) anyways... this was one definition I found... Im going to keep it in mind for my next game of Balderdash... Bwahahaha!
2. That practises physic or surgery without scientific knowledge; that is guilty of quackery. Also of medicines: That is of the nature of a quack nostrum. Cf. EMPIRIC B. 2.
and thats all folks... just wanted you to know what the nature of a quack nostrum is... ^_^
2. That practises physic or surgery without scientific knowledge; that is guilty of quackery. Also of medicines: That is of the nature of a quack nostrum. Cf. EMPIRIC B. 2.
and thats all folks... just wanted you to know what the nature of a quack nostrum is... ^_^
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Also... a little Sunshine :D
Wow, I really should have updated my blog a while ago... my last post was so depressing! Life is just so amazing right now! Im so grateful for all the challenges and dissapointments that came this year, cause Im really growing up so much. So, where to start? Well I fell in love with my textbooks... yup... in serious love. I was without internet and a phone and such for a week, so I opened up an english text and fell truley, madly, deeply. I went to bed every night with Elizabeth Barret Browning and Lord Alfred Tennyson swirling in my head!That really got me excited for school... new textbooks and classes! So exciting!
Also, well, I moved out of my parents place! It feels so good to be independant, to always have a clean house, and especially to feel like I have a place to call home. I felt like such a squatter at my parents house... and I just looove being able to go back to my own adorable place. ADORABLE. Its a quaint little two-bedroom apartment that has quite a fair amount of room, and makes me just so happy. Nice shower, great kitchen, good sized rooms. I just love it here :D
Also also... I have a babysitter. I never knew life could be.so.amazing!! Nod loves Miss, she goes to her without objection, and Miss PUTS HER TO SLEEP FOR ME!!! Gah! As a single mom, who has never really experienced this before, I was elated the first time Miss got Nod to bed. Nod is a handful at bed-time. I had been trying so hard to get her down one night, and Miss got there and took over. I washed dishes and made some food while Nod went down without a fuss. *best feeling ever*
I cried a little, i did a dance, and I gave Miss about a million hugs! Oh, and all she took for payment? My car for an evening... Heck yes I can handle this... arent friends just great? Oh how I love her. I asked her to move in... we will see ;)
Also also also... Court stuff with D is actually worked out now!! He decided to go to mediation, we worked out what we wanted, and have a plan set for 3 years. I pretty much got most of what I wanted (other than the fact that its only for 3yrs) so Im really pumped about that! We went to court and got custody all legalised, so now we are just working on the divorce. I have a friend (who is a former lawyer) helping me fill out the papers this week, then I will serve him on the weekend (i Hope) and a court date will be set. The soonest we could be divorced would be Sept 31st, and of course the latest would be Feb 10th of next year.... But Im really hoping for sep! So, if youve read "the secret" and beleive in putting things out there for the universe to give you, or if your a person of faith who prays to God... please send some prayer our way. We are both praying and thinking positive thoughts for september hahaha
Also also also also... I met a minivan... I think... hahaha ;) of course, there isnt anything going on... just a friend who i keep learning more about. Im definatley liking everything I learn. I geuss meeting someone who isnt a total retard has made me excited about the prospect of dating. Sure I'd like to go on a date with this minivan, but its not even that, its that now i want to go on dates... many... because I feel this new hope that *he* is out there... somewhere.
Enough Also's for ya? Well, Im pretty happy at least... Hope you enjoyed the sunny day!
Also, well, I moved out of my parents place! It feels so good to be independant, to always have a clean house, and especially to feel like I have a place to call home. I felt like such a squatter at my parents house... and I just looove being able to go back to my own adorable place. ADORABLE. Its a quaint little two-bedroom apartment that has quite a fair amount of room, and makes me just so happy. Nice shower, great kitchen, good sized rooms. I just love it here :D
Also also... I have a babysitter. I never knew life could be.so.amazing!! Nod loves Miss, she goes to her without objection, and Miss PUTS HER TO SLEEP FOR ME!!! Gah! As a single mom, who has never really experienced this before, I was elated the first time Miss got Nod to bed. Nod is a handful at bed-time. I had been trying so hard to get her down one night, and Miss got there and took over. I washed dishes and made some food while Nod went down without a fuss. *best feeling ever*
I cried a little, i did a dance, and I gave Miss about a million hugs! Oh, and all she took for payment? My car for an evening... Heck yes I can handle this... arent friends just great? Oh how I love her. I asked her to move in... we will see ;)
Also also also... Court stuff with D is actually worked out now!! He decided to go to mediation, we worked out what we wanted, and have a plan set for 3 years. I pretty much got most of what I wanted (other than the fact that its only for 3yrs) so Im really pumped about that! We went to court and got custody all legalised, so now we are just working on the divorce. I have a friend (who is a former lawyer) helping me fill out the papers this week, then I will serve him on the weekend (i Hope) and a court date will be set. The soonest we could be divorced would be Sept 31st, and of course the latest would be Feb 10th of next year.... But Im really hoping for sep! So, if youve read "the secret" and beleive in putting things out there for the universe to give you, or if your a person of faith who prays to God... please send some prayer our way. We are both praying and thinking positive thoughts for september hahaha
Also also also also... I met a minivan... I think... hahaha ;) of course, there isnt anything going on... just a friend who i keep learning more about. Im definatley liking everything I learn. I geuss meeting someone who isnt a total retard has made me excited about the prospect of dating. Sure I'd like to go on a date with this minivan, but its not even that, its that now i want to go on dates... many... because I feel this new hope that *he* is out there... somewhere.
Enough Also's for ya? Well, Im pretty happy at least... Hope you enjoyed the sunny day!
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