The woooorst part about being a single mom is getting sick! I went to bed at 8:30 last night, feeling nasueas. Woke up at 11, sick until 1, woke up at 3, sick until 5, and woke up at 9am by little Nod (of course whenever I got up to be sick she woke up too). During these "wakeups" I was only partially congant, and totally illogical. I thought I was so sick that I was going to die (a bit dramatic, well yes haha). I was super worried that I have no emergency plan, I mean, what if I die alone in my apartment? How long will it take someone to find me? Will Nod be okay until then? Will I have time to dial 911? If I need help should I call my hometeachers, my family, or my best friend Kingsley? It was about 5am, lying in the tub trying to keep my food in my stomach, when I finally decided that I would call Faws (a single dad/ friend of mine) to come save me from dying. I finally was able to go back to sleep comforted.This morning all of my plans for the day were thrown out the window. I focused on keeping Nod happy, and fed, and rested while keeping my tummy settled. It sucked. Seriously, it was a bad day...
UNTIL... My Mommy came to the rescue! Mommy and sister Ray cleaned up my dirty kleenex mess, took Nod out while I showered, and replenished the fridge with Nod milk.
Anyways, Ive complained enough. The moral of the story? Well, youd never guess, but Im gratful. At about 11pm last night I wished I had stayed with D. I decided that I couldnt do it, I couldnt be single... but I had no other option. If I had called he would have driven here Im sure, but 4 hours later (once he was here) I might regret that. So I prayed and prayed and cried and puked... and 24 hours later, guess what? Im alive! Im happy! I can do it! I can do anything!
XO
Wink
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Faulty Anology
Faulty Analogy
Last February I broke my arm
A good crisp break,
So sudden and unexpected.
But then who expects their arm to break?
Did I think people just schedule these things?
February 6, 2010. 5:30 pm:
Going to break my arm on the way to Ami's baby shower: check.
Ouch.
So I went to my mother-in-law,
Who was no help, as usual.
Offering plenty of alternatives, natural healing,
A bunch of crock.
So I told my sister,
Who told my mother,
Who told my father,
Who told me to go to the Doctor.
And we all went to the Doctor.
The Doctor put a cast on
And told me to go home,
A long drive home,
Dark car, with a screaming child
So hazy now, the memories I repress.
Every day there was hurt and the cast did not heal.
The Doctor had known it wouldn't,
But also knew I had to see the proof
before I would believe him.
I had to see with my own eyes that a cast was not enough
The break was bad.
An infection had been festering.
The arm must be removed.
Maybe I had known all along, and maybe I didn't.
I'll never say.
And we slowly began the process.
All the while I pretended it wasn't going to happen
I begged the Doctor for alternatives
But I knew those alternatives were crock
And He did His best to heal me,
He told me there would be a new arm, a better arm
It's the 21st century, anything can happen
And at first I believed.
He had a logical explanation, after all
So maybe I never believed.
Maybe it just made sense.
Now as I try to type without my arm,
It doesn't seem very sensible.
Where is my new arm?
Oh a healing period? Oh a waiting period?
Yes I knew about that.
No I don't want to wait anymore.
No I don't want to heal the long, difficult, efficient way.
I just want a better arm.
Don't I deserve a better arm?
Isn't He The Doctor? Cant He do anything?
So I made a mistake,
And here comes the flaw in my analogy
My story has no place for you.
Not yet really.
But I stole your arms anyways.
I began to lean on you.
I used your arms to screw in light bulbs,
To take out the trash, to move the couch, to hold the baby.
I used them for warmth, for healing.
My new arms.
Not deserved. Just stolen.
Maybe one day, but not today.
And when you are here I barley notice my arm is missing.
And tonight you are not,
And the pain returns
Only worse.
The wait seems so much longer
The weight seems so much heavier,
The hurt deepens, blackens.
I had to see with my own eyes that a cast was not enough
The break was bad.
An infection had been festering.
The arm must be removed.
Maybe I had known all along, and maybe I didn't.
I'll never say.
And we slowly began the process.
All the while I pretended it wasn't going to happen
I begged the Doctor for alternatives
But I knew those alternatives were crock
And He did His best to heal me,
He told me there would be a new arm, a better arm
It's the 21st century, anything can happen
And at first I believed.
He had a logical explanation, after all
So maybe I never believed.
Maybe it just made sense.
Now as I try to type without my arm,
It doesn't seem very sensible.
Where is my new arm?
Oh a healing period? Oh a waiting period?
Yes I knew about that.
No I don't want to wait anymore.
No I don't want to heal the long, difficult, efficient way.
I just want a better arm.
Don't I deserve a better arm?
Isn't He The Doctor? Cant He do anything?
So I made a mistake,
And here comes the flaw in my analogy
My story has no place for you.
Not yet really.
But I stole your arms anyways.
I began to lean on you.
I used your arms to screw in light bulbs,
To take out the trash, to move the couch, to hold the baby.
I used them for warmth, for healing.
My new arms.
Not deserved. Just stolen.
Maybe one day, but not today.
And when you are here I barley notice my arm is missing.
And tonight you are not,
And the pain returns
Only worse.
The wait seems so much longer
The weight seems so much heavier,
The hurt deepens, blackens.
Where are you tonight?
Asleep?
Resting your weary arms.
For you don't know it,
But like Atlas you carry the weight of the world.
The weight of my world at least.
Asleep?
Resting your weary arms.
For you don't know it,
But like Atlas you carry the weight of the world.
The weight of my world at least.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
The time has come, the Walrus said, to talk of many things...
Today is a blogging day. I need an outlet for all of these pent up ideas and emotions.
BLIGARDGAHAPATITISHNESS!
That's a word I just made up for when life is happy, and sad, and confusing, and hurtful, and annoying, and frustrating, and peaceful. all at once.
\
Life is happy! School is almost done, I get to see my family a lot and we get along great. Today I gave Shmuck a big ol hug and really meant it. Im going to end up with okay marks for a single mom who is just learning the ropes. My house is clean, and a very attractive (righteous, talented, funny) young man helped me clean it (he was over for a missionary discussion). I had a great time with the missionaries today, I made an excellent meal, receieved many compliments, and enjoyed the lesson. Now, I almost dont feel like going on. I could stop here, and you would think things are just great. But, they arent.
Life is sad. Today was an emabarrsing and long day at church. For the tiny moment I was in RS all we talked about was marriage. I srsly almost burst into tears. I just wanted to march on over to D's house (yes a 5 hr drive. Im sure would have changed my mind after 5 minutes of marching) and punch him in the face. Why did you leave me? I mean, technically I moved out, but YOU left mister! You blew up the life I knew and completley altered it! We could have worked through it!! Really! Even though I was counselled by some that I shouldnt try, and they may have been right, if he could only have given up just one thing, I would have stuck with the rest. I gave and gave and gave, I loved and loved, I changed, I moved, I grew... and he sat stagnant like a pool of water until I left. Once I moved out the changes came with ease, but they were not the type that would keep me around. I knew, KNEW, it was over. It. Our marriage. My life as I knew it. I miss that life. I dont miss that life. I love him. I hate him. I want it back. I dont want it back.
Oh wait, Ive skipped ahead to the confusing part of life. Well, that is not all that is confusing. I mean, all in all, I really don't want THAT back, I just want the companion. The best friend. I miss the man I fell in love with. The man who washed all the laundry because I was scared of the spiders in out Laundry room. The man who massaged my tummy when I had cramps. The man who cut the chicken cause I hate touching raw meat. basically, the man who made life easy. Yet he also made it hard. Now Ive just made a big swap. Some things are easy now. I love myself more, I'm not scared of being betrayed, I know where I stand and choose to stand with those who are on the same page... I know where my future is ultimately headed. And I'm learning from the new hard things. I cut all the chkn tonight, even tho there was a perfectly capable man I could have asked to do it. I kill my own spiders, tho Ive chosen to live somewhere with less bug problems at all... and I take red raspberry tea when my cramps get bad. I cope. I get along.Oh but I digress, that's not why life is confusing. Well, lets just say, I'm sufficiently confused about what to do in the new year. Everyone has pitched in advice, and I thought I agreed with the majority vote. But now, I'm not acting like that. I'm confused because I'm surprised by my choices. Not in a bad way. just in a, "well what now?" way.
well I think Ive covered the hurtful, and annoying, and frustrating, portions of life already.
As for peaceful? Well the spirit is here. It is calming me. I find love and the Lord in hidden corners all around. I fold them up and carry them in a pocket in my heart. Sweet peace amidst the rest.
BLIGARDGAHAPATITISHNESS!
That's a word I just made up for when life is happy, and sad, and confusing, and hurtful, and annoying, and frustrating, and peaceful. all at once.
\
Life is happy! School is almost done, I get to see my family a lot and we get along great. Today I gave Shmuck a big ol hug and really meant it. Im going to end up with okay marks for a single mom who is just learning the ropes. My house is clean, and a very attractive (righteous, talented, funny) young man helped me clean it (he was over for a missionary discussion). I had a great time with the missionaries today, I made an excellent meal, receieved many compliments, and enjoyed the lesson. Now, I almost dont feel like going on. I could stop here, and you would think things are just great. But, they arent.
Life is sad. Today was an emabarrsing and long day at church. For the tiny moment I was in RS all we talked about was marriage. I srsly almost burst into tears. I just wanted to march on over to D's house (yes a 5 hr drive. Im sure would have changed my mind after 5 minutes of marching) and punch him in the face. Why did you leave me? I mean, technically I moved out, but YOU left mister! You blew up the life I knew and completley altered it! We could have worked through it!! Really! Even though I was counselled by some that I shouldnt try, and they may have been right, if he could only have given up just one thing, I would have stuck with the rest. I gave and gave and gave, I loved and loved, I changed, I moved, I grew... and he sat stagnant like a pool of water until I left. Once I moved out the changes came with ease, but they were not the type that would keep me around. I knew, KNEW, it was over. It. Our marriage. My life as I knew it. I miss that life. I dont miss that life. I love him. I hate him. I want it back. I dont want it back.
Oh wait, Ive skipped ahead to the confusing part of life. Well, that is not all that is confusing. I mean, all in all, I really don't want THAT back, I just want the companion. The best friend. I miss the man I fell in love with. The man who washed all the laundry because I was scared of the spiders in out Laundry room. The man who massaged my tummy when I had cramps. The man who cut the chicken cause I hate touching raw meat. basically, the man who made life easy. Yet he also made it hard. Now Ive just made a big swap. Some things are easy now. I love myself more, I'm not scared of being betrayed, I know where I stand and choose to stand with those who are on the same page... I know where my future is ultimately headed. And I'm learning from the new hard things. I cut all the chkn tonight, even tho there was a perfectly capable man I could have asked to do it. I kill my own spiders, tho Ive chosen to live somewhere with less bug problems at all... and I take red raspberry tea when my cramps get bad. I cope. I get along.Oh but I digress, that's not why life is confusing. Well, lets just say, I'm sufficiently confused about what to do in the new year. Everyone has pitched in advice, and I thought I agreed with the majority vote. But now, I'm not acting like that. I'm confused because I'm surprised by my choices. Not in a bad way. just in a, "well what now?" way.
well I think Ive covered the hurtful, and annoying, and frustrating, portions of life already.
As for peaceful? Well the spirit is here. It is calming me. I find love and the Lord in hidden corners all around. I fold them up and carry them in a pocket in my heart. Sweet peace amidst the rest.
Of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of cabbages and kings... of why the sea is boiling hot and whether pigs have wings.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Lessons from Alma 1
I was reading The story of Nehor and Gideon in Alma today. Nehor is an evil man who tries to bring down the church, and when Gideon withstands him with his words of truth Nehor gets mad and kills him. According to the law set from King Mosiah and the people, Nehor must be put to death in public. Before he dies he admits to his wrong-doings, but there are still those who follow his wicked ways after he dies. These people persecute members of the church of God.
There was a rule in the church that no member could persecute those that did not beleive, but still some chose to fight their adversaries with words and with fists. However, those who did eventually left the church, their names were blotted out, and some willingly withdrew their membership.
Does this story sound familiar to anyone? It sure does to me. I was reminded of My Uncle P and how he left the church, but could not leave it alone. He continues to tear down anyone who beleives. At first I just felt sorry for him and tried to be his friend, but eventually he refused to be mine. I dont understand how he could possibly be correct, if his beleif leads him to be so unkind to someone who was once a best friend :(
. It also led him to befriend D, who he previously hated. Then my other Uncle N chose to leave the church too and become friends with D. During the three years D and I were together N never met or spoke to D, but he had dinner with him a few week ago. Anyone find that odd? And of course there are my brothers-in-law. <3Good hearts<3, but they too have left. One of them is very kind and I never feel like he is disrespectful of what I beleive, the other not so much. Their story reminds me the most of this scripture, as it was when C tried to contend with Du about the church that he lost his testimony also. The same thing happened with D's good friend DP who was always 'bible bashing' and eventually fell away.
So what am I getting at here? well a few things, and I havent made them clear at all so let me do that.
First of all, Everyone is inherintly good. We are all children of God and born into this world good. We then choose to become more or less good. Just because someone does not beleive in God, or even because they choose to fight against the church if God, does not make them evil. In my humble view they are confused, but for the most part they are trying to do the best with what they understand. My broinlaw Du and his wife K are probably the sweetest people ever. So just because you hear that someone left, dont go around assuming they are terrible, cause very likely they aren't. Obama talks about this kind of thing in his book. We need to eliminate the idea that we are so different from those who have different beleifs, cause that just creates these unneeded hard feelings and then we cannot come to proper agreements.
Second thought... Fighting against those that hate the church of God will not bring any good. We are supposed to be the peaceable followers of Christ. If you let yourself contend you are allowing pride to enter your heart and putting your testimony at risk. There are people out there whom belong to the church and can answer any doctrinal questions you have, but dont bring this material into combat with those who dont beleive. Let the truth strengthen you, and when they are ready to hear the truth then share with love, not anger.
Alma 1:25 Now this was a great trial to those that did stand fast in the faith; nevertheless, they were asteadfastbpatience the persecution which was heaped upon them. and immovable in keeping the commandments of God, and they bore with bpatience the persecution which was heaped upon them.
I need to be like these people. I have not being bearing these trials with patience, I mean, I began that way. All the time ppl would say to me, "Oh youve been through so much, nobody would blame you if..." followed by something, well, weak. I would say to myself that my trial was no excuse. However lately I havent been doing as well. Ive been complaining about being a single mom/student etc etc etc. I have been pushing this divorce and getting sick of being married. I have been incredibly impatient. I was listening to a general conference talk the other day and it hit me that I was not only being patient, but I was also being proud. I decided that it didnt matter what the best thing or right thing was, I was doing this my way. How lame is that? Like my plan is better than the Lords! I still am married. I may still be for a while, and my plan to date may not be the Lords plan, and I better follow the Lords plan. I better! I need to stay close to him, and let him be involved in every decision that I make. EVERY choice. He will guide me. I need to bear with patince these heaping afflictions. No one is saying they arent hard, of course they are, but they will make me strong if I let them bring me to the Lord instead of just complain about them.
26And when the priests left their alabor to impart the word of God unto the people, the people also left their labors to hear the word of God. And when the priest had imparted unto them the word of God they all returned again diligently unto their labors; and the priest, not esteeming himself above his hearers, for the preacher was no better than the hearer, neither was the teacher any better than the learner; and thus they were all equal, and they did all labor, every man baccording to his strength.
Diligence. This word has stuck out to me a lot over the years. I need to be diligent in sharing the gospel, in obeying the commandments, in my school work, in my family... I am working on it. I really really really am. For instance, today, I am ending this post here, and going to diligently study for a polisci exam. So, I dont know if you learned anything from this post, but I did, and I wanted to record it, so I can look back one day and remember to ...
A) LOVE everyone B)Peacefully share truth C) Be Patient with afflictions D)Be Dilligent
XO
Wink ;)
There was a rule in the church that no member could persecute those that did not beleive, but still some chose to fight their adversaries with words and with fists. However, those who did eventually left the church, their names were blotted out, and some willingly withdrew their membership.
Does this story sound familiar to anyone? It sure does to me. I was reminded of My Uncle P and how he left the church, but could not leave it alone. He continues to tear down anyone who beleives. At first I just felt sorry for him and tried to be his friend, but eventually he refused to be mine. I dont understand how he could possibly be correct, if his beleif leads him to be so unkind to someone who was once a best friend :(
. It also led him to befriend D, who he previously hated. Then my other Uncle N chose to leave the church too and become friends with D. During the three years D and I were together N never met or spoke to D, but he had dinner with him a few week ago. Anyone find that odd? And of course there are my brothers-in-law. <3Good hearts<3, but they too have left. One of them is very kind and I never feel like he is disrespectful of what I beleive, the other not so much. Their story reminds me the most of this scripture, as it was when C tried to contend with Du about the church that he lost his testimony also. The same thing happened with D's good friend DP who was always 'bible bashing' and eventually fell away.
So what am I getting at here? well a few things, and I havent made them clear at all so let me do that.
First of all, Everyone is inherintly good. We are all children of God and born into this world good. We then choose to become more or less good. Just because someone does not beleive in God, or even because they choose to fight against the church if God, does not make them evil. In my humble view they are confused, but for the most part they are trying to do the best with what they understand. My broinlaw Du and his wife K are probably the sweetest people ever. So just because you hear that someone left, dont go around assuming they are terrible, cause very likely they aren't. Obama talks about this kind of thing in his book. We need to eliminate the idea that we are so different from those who have different beleifs, cause that just creates these unneeded hard feelings and then we cannot come to proper agreements.
Second thought... Fighting against those that hate the church of God will not bring any good. We are supposed to be the peaceable followers of Christ. If you let yourself contend you are allowing pride to enter your heart and putting your testimony at risk. There are people out there whom belong to the church and can answer any doctrinal questions you have, but dont bring this material into combat with those who dont beleive. Let the truth strengthen you, and when they are ready to hear the truth then share with love, not anger.
Third thought...
The church is true. I know it. I cannot deny it. Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier to deny it, to be with D still... but I would have to pretend. I would have to lie to myself, and maybe I could do it for a little while, I probably could have stopped going to church, but I couldnt be like D and persecute those who beleived, because it just plain old is true. Also it would have not made our marriage any better, cause he still would have his problems, and wether the church is true or not I cannot live with some certain things. This verse really touched me in my reading...Alma 1:25 Now this was a great trial to those that did stand fast in the faith; nevertheless, they were asteadfastbpatience the persecution which was heaped upon them. and immovable in keeping the commandments of God, and they bore with bpatience the persecution which was heaped upon them.
I need to be like these people. I have not being bearing these trials with patience, I mean, I began that way. All the time ppl would say to me, "Oh youve been through so much, nobody would blame you if..." followed by something, well, weak. I would say to myself that my trial was no excuse. However lately I havent been doing as well. Ive been complaining about being a single mom/student etc etc etc. I have been pushing this divorce and getting sick of being married. I have been incredibly impatient. I was listening to a general conference talk the other day and it hit me that I was not only being patient, but I was also being proud. I decided that it didnt matter what the best thing or right thing was, I was doing this my way. How lame is that? Like my plan is better than the Lords! I still am married. I may still be for a while, and my plan to date may not be the Lords plan, and I better follow the Lords plan. I better! I need to stay close to him, and let him be involved in every decision that I make. EVERY choice. He will guide me. I need to bear with patince these heaping afflictions. No one is saying they arent hard, of course they are, but they will make me strong if I let them bring me to the Lord instead of just complain about them.
26And when the priests left their alabor to impart the word of God unto the people, the people also left their labors to hear the word of God. And when the priest had imparted unto them the word of God they all returned again diligently unto their labors; and the priest, not esteeming himself above his hearers, for the preacher was no better than the hearer, neither was the teacher any better than the learner; and thus they were all equal, and they did all labor, every man baccording to his strength.
Diligence. This word has stuck out to me a lot over the years. I need to be diligent in sharing the gospel, in obeying the commandments, in my school work, in my family... I am working on it. I really really really am. For instance, today, I am ending this post here, and going to diligently study for a polisci exam. So, I dont know if you learned anything from this post, but I did, and I wanted to record it, so I can look back one day and remember to ...
A) LOVE everyone B)Peacefully share truth C) Be Patient with afflictions D)Be Dilligent
XO
Wink ;)
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Christmas is coming the Goose is getting FAT!
Hey blog world!
I cannot tell you how incredibly excited I am for christmas!
This is what Christmas means for me...
No more School!!!!!!!!!!!!
Quality time with Nod
LOTS of cute Crafts
Giving gifts
Thinking of the Savior
Almost my BIRTHDAY
Almost divorced (Jan 1st. Im calling this official)
Some real blogging time!
Time with my family from southern alberta whom I MISS MISS MISS!
So, stay tuned for some christmas crafts, birthday plans, and maybe even my first date! EEEK (ps feeling like a 16 yr old about this! haha) ;)
Love to all
Wink
I cannot tell you how incredibly excited I am for christmas!
This is what Christmas means for me...
No more School!!!!!!!!!!!!
Quality time with Nod
LOTS of cute Crafts
Giving gifts
Thinking of the Savior
Almost my BIRTHDAY
Almost divorced (Jan 1st. Im calling this official)
Some real blogging time!
Time with my family from southern alberta whom I MISS MISS MISS!
So, stay tuned for some christmas crafts, birthday plans, and maybe even my first date! EEEK (ps feeling like a 16 yr old about this! haha) ;)
Love to all
Wink
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
A poem I wrote during an English Lecture
YOU’RE NOT ALONE
says Dr M, and I break into Micheal Mclean* renditions
silently, but quite loud in my own mind
and of course it leads me to John Bytheway**
and now I’m rolling around with laughter.
only I’m not.
Im sitting
in a stale, almost silent, room,
the drone of my professor,
the hum of the computer,
bent over a warm keyboard, and a fake wooden desk
in a plastic green chair that bends 10 degrees backwards for comfort.
because a bendy plastic chair is luxury to a college student
But Im comfortable
on the inside,
in my funny little world,
as I laugh with the Asha*** in my head.
And sing out loud to her
As he corrects comma splices
and gets excited about modifiers
but Im just glad
that Im not alone.
*Michael Mclean is an LDS singer/song writer.
**John Bytheway is an LDS comedian/ motivational speaker, He sings McLeans song as "Shes on the phone" and for some dang reason I cannot find a link for you... but its oh so funny!
***name changed due to privacy issues,it sounds better with the real name
says Dr M, and I break into Micheal Mclean* renditions
silently, but quite loud in my own mind
and of course it leads me to John Bytheway**
and now I’m rolling around with laughter.
only I’m not.
Im sitting
in a stale, almost silent, room,
the drone of my professor,
the hum of the computer,
bent over a warm keyboard, and a fake wooden desk
in a plastic green chair that bends 10 degrees backwards for comfort.
because a bendy plastic chair is luxury to a college student
But Im comfortable
on the inside,
in my funny little world,
as I laugh with the Asha*** in my head.
And sing out loud to her
As he corrects comma splices
and gets excited about modifiers
but Im just glad
that Im not alone.
*Michael Mclean is an LDS singer/song writer.
**John Bytheway is an LDS comedian/ motivational speaker, He sings McLeans song as "Shes on the phone" and for some dang reason I cannot find a link for you... but its oh so funny!
***name changed due to privacy issues,it sounds better with the real name
Oh man. I went to the courthouse today with D... Go to see the evil Malevolence, who was actually on fairly good behaviour... she helped me finish up *all* the papers... 3.5 hours later, and one very grumpy baby (D insisted we bring her with us rather than leave her at the daycare) we went to Queens bench to file...
AND
They said NO. Turns out we cant file until D takes the PAS course. Oh my freaking word! Luckily he agreed to take the course here on Saturday (cause where he lives they dont offer it until Dec 11th)... so we can go in to file on Monday... I HOPE!
And right now what am I doing? Listening to D gab to some unnamed 'friend' (probably her cause he wont name them) about the church... He didnt mention the church by name, cause he knows I would kick him out... but the topic is still obvious.
Now anger is burning up inside me. Burning. a hot, livid, fire.
ARGH!
AND
They said NO. Turns out we cant file until D takes the PAS course. Oh my freaking word! Luckily he agreed to take the course here on Saturday (cause where he lives they dont offer it until Dec 11th)... so we can go in to file on Monday... I HOPE!
And right now what am I doing? Listening to D gab to some unnamed 'friend' (probably her cause he wont name them) about the church... He didnt mention the church by name, cause he knows I would kick him out... but the topic is still obvious.
Now anger is burning up inside me. Burning. a hot, livid, fire.
ARGH!
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